If you’re doing recruitment right, you’ve been stalking out the “Class of 2017” Facebook groups since April, looking for prospects. I’m one step ahead of you. I have my sights set on some prime sorority candidates in the classes of 2025 and 2028. Sophia Grace and Rosie, two YouTube sensations from London are the most precious little nuggets in my sorority’s future. They were discovered and made famous by Ellen Degeneres (whom I love, because she’s funny, she’s kind, and she manages to wear the pants in her relationship without being overly butch or devoid of fashion), and are now the perfect little divas. From the moment I saw Sophia Grace singing and Rosie standing awkwardly in her older cousin’s shadow, I knew. Bid and bid.
1. They know how to get whatever they want from men
Or from women who look like men. What’s a sorority girl if she can’t get the nearest masculine figure to do her bidding? It can take some of us years to get boys to do the simplest things for us, like our homework, our car maintenance, and our credit card payments. These girls have got it on lock before their tenth birthdays. If Ellen is sending the girls to the Grammys at 9, sorority trips to Vegas strip clubs certainly won’t be unreasonable when they’re 19.
2. They’re self-proclaimed princesses
And verified on Twitter as such. I spend my life in pursuit of opportunities that are appropriate to a tiara, and I usually come up short. For these two, it’s always appropriate, because they’re fucking princesses and everyone knows it. Whether it’s due to entitlement or confidence, I hope SG&R are still rocking their rhinestones on the first day of high school, because they should never feel less fabulous than they do right now. All hail.
3. They know there’s a tutu for every occasion
Even baseball. Who cares if it’s traditional? The little starlets realize that what you wear to the event far outranks the event itself in terms of importance. A tutu can fit any theme as long as you’re creative (or can pay someone to be creative for you). Besides, did you get a load of that dizzy bat action? FUN.
4. They’re rich
Some people say it’s not good to “spoil” little girls, but I say they’ve earned it. They’re adorable, Sophia Grace is a decent singer, and Rosie is blonde. They’re totally willing to put money into the things they love, which so far, has only been themselves (TSM), but in the future, could very well be their sororities. I’m sure a quick yearly donation from the little divas would mean beating out your rival in Airband for years to come.
5. They love to shop
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a bit of a spending problem. Surely as soon as these two graduate from the pink aisle in Toys ‘R’ Us, they will make awesome shopping buddies, always willing to partake in a girl’s favorite activity. Sophia Grace has admitted that she can’t hold onto her tooth fairy money and needs to spend right away. I feel her pain. The best part? Their favorite American store is Target. I can’t even. If I tried, I would still be utterly unable to even.
6. Sophia Grace is a badass performer
Philanthropies are fun when you don’t have to force a new girl to participate, and even more fun when the participant is good. Sophia Grace can rap, and sing, and clearly nothing is off-limits considering she was singing about dealing coke at eight years old. Some people see age-inappropriate material, but I see a Greek goddess winner.
7. Rosie is gorgeous
She might not bring as much to the table as Sophia Grace, but Rosie is a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, tan-skinned babe. Is that weirder because she’s a girl or because she’s a child? Even if we don’t actually want her talking to PNMs during recruitment, she’s still a good asset. You need to be able to plaster the pictures of a few beauties all over the website and throughout the house. Plus, she’s done a shit-ton of cool slide-show material stuff. I don’t normally believe in the term “package deal,” but for SG&R, I’d be willing to make an exception.
8. They know how to party
They don’t even care that their girl Nicki donned some see-through apparel, so they’ll be totally non-judgmental if you accidentally flash your knickers after a little too much to drink. Plus, I see them winding and grinding up on that pole floor, especially that Sophia Grace. There’s no doubt that they’re total assets, but they’ve also got that potential to need risk managing, which we all love.
9. They understand the importance of sisterhood
My little is the Rosie to my Sophia Grace. She is younger, shorter, blonder, and doesn’t require as much attention. It’s how all big/little relationships should be, and SG&R have it built in. Even though Rosie is a little bit awkward and essentially useless in terms of their success, Sophia Grace would never leave her behind. Yeah, so Sophia Grace is an attention whore who never wants to stop talking about herself, but little Rosie supports her through it all. That’s love. That’s sisterhood.
10. They’re obsessed with the color pink.
That pretty much says it all.
- Image via twicsy
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at [email protected]
@VeronicaRuckh
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