I’m usually not a big fan of excessive athletics (besides intramurals), but I am absolutely psycho about the Olympics. First of all, I love America. Second, I love winning. I have an insatiable competitive nature, and I become the most enthusiastic supporter of all things red, white, blue, and sporty while the Olympic games are taking place. While I generally favor watching women’s gymnastics (um, who doesn’t? I would so bid Shawn Johnson), I’ve decided to actually take in the entire games this year. Not only are the uniforms designed by Ralph Lauren (a perfect choice to embody the elegance and classic taste that is American style), and so chic I could die, but some of the male competitors are so undeniably hot it’s ridiculous. So, in case you’re single, or plan on visiting London during the games to watch America assert its dominance over all other countries, I’ve compiled a basic list of the guys you should definitely consider stalking/cheering for/dating upon their victorious return. You’re so welcome.
10. Conor Dwyer – Swimming
Is it just me, or could you totally picture him wearing a bow tie and Costas while attending your sorority’s formal? I so can.
9. Michael Phelps – Swimming
I actually didn’t want to add him to this list, because I’m going to maintain that he looks like the uglier version of Eli Manning’s long lost twin brother, but then I remembered how much money he’s worth, and that whole pot smoking scandal. I also realized he is the definition of TFTC, so…have at him.
8. Chris Colwill – Diving
At first glance, he may look like the typical guy you would place squarely in the friend zone. At second glance, you realize he’s an Olympian, so I think that’s a pretty done deal.
7. David Boudia – Diving
He may be competing in a fruity sport, and there may be rumors about his sexuality, but until I see pictures of he and his synchro partner holding hands, I will continue to believe he is going to lavalier me at any moment.
6. Ricky Berens – Swimming
He’s another swimmer. He also has a comb-over and the whitest teeth I have ever seen. He may or may not wax his eyebrows, and I’m unsure how I feel about someone that calls himself “Ricky,” but I still would wear his letters if he were in a fraternity, and in this case, his fraternity is USA, so…duh. He’s hot.
5. Sam Mikulak – Gymnastics
I know, I know, gymnastics doesn’t exactly seem like the most intimidating display of masculinity, but believe me, he’s so hot I’m going to let the fact that he wears a leotard slide. He has a fantastic smile. a perfect jawline, and the most muscular body ever. Also, he’s representing America, so any misgivings you may have about his level of attractiveness are completely negated.
4. Jesse Williams – Track and Field
He’s blonde, he can jump high, and he loves America. He has a buzz cut, but I encourage you to look past it and instead see his daring manner of displaying his perfect hairline which shows little sign of receding anytime soon. U-S-A!
3. Jimmy Watkins – Cycling
He’s on the cycling team, which I assume means he has great legs. He also has a cleft chin, great hair, and his face has a perpetual “screw you” look on it, which I love.
2. Jared Frayer – Wrestling
He’s a wrestler, and he’s gorgeous. That’s all I have to say. You’re welcome.
1. Ryan Lochte – Swimming
He’s a swimmer, which is convenient should you ever find yourself a little too drunk to be capable of swimming to safety after falling off of a private yacht. I had a huge conflict with him when I first saw him, mainly because I didn’t know how I felt about his hair. These conflicted feelings of attraction and hatred continued until I saw his boyish grin and “do me” eyes, which happen to exist on top of the most amazing set of shoulders ever. I’m considering throwing myself into the Thames to catch his attention. It will probably work, so he’s off limits, I guess. Sorry.
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