I’m a mom. You’re a mom. We are all moms and it’s time to accept it. Truth be told, kids aren’t even a factor when it comes to being a mom. It is more than the maternal support, the constant worrying, and the refillable mug of rosé. Being a mom is a way of life, and it’s one most of us have had down forever.
1. You take candids. Of other people.
See someone being cute? Candid. See a sister kickin’ ass during Greek Week? Candid. Big/Little reveal? You’re on that shit and people love it, just like it’s the first game of the season.
2. You have a bottle/box of Moscato sitting in your fridge right now.
Life is stressful and wine helps. Spoiler alert, it is always going to help. If you’re trying to relax, you shouldn’t be forcing yourself to pretend dry wine would actually make this day any better. This is life for the next 30 years and I’m okay with it.
3. You have mom jeans.
Hold up, don’t get offended. Mom jeans hug the booty better than any pair of low rise and they are 80934548x more flattering. You can easily make them sexy with the right top and I’m sure you have. These are the pants you wear with heels for a night out when you’re trying to look like you have it all together. Even with your life in shambles, you still manage to look good. Key to being a soccer mom.
4. You wear a watch.
This isn’t just a fashion accessory. It is your link to the society of adults who have their shit together. It is a status statement. That watch lets the world know you are not some asshole who relies on her android to tell him the time. No. You’re on top of your shit like you’re the goddamn president of the PTA.
5. Your planner is the secret to the universe.
When is that fundraiser again? No need to ask twice, you’re already sending the dates, times, and info. Who was that mixer with? You had your book of magic open before the question was finished. You’re the woman who knows if it’s a home or away game, if it’s against the Raiders or the Bulldogs and if anyone knew who the ref would be, it’d be you.
6. You’re a cardio queen.
If there was an Olympic event held on the Elliptical, you’d enter. You’d probably win. You care about your health and your body but you don’t have time to train for an Ironman. There is not enough time go to classes and your schedule is always changing but you make it in the most effective manner. Stacy’s mom had nothing on Stacy’s big.
7. You perform miracles in the kitchen.
So maybe you’ve never healed the blind but the blind have never had your cheesecake. “Oh my god! Your brownies changed my life!” I already know. You’re basically a culinary legend. Whether it’s the fifth grade dance or a sisterhood potluck, you’re the star.
I don’t think you’re allowed to be on Pinterest if you aren’t a soccer mom or a sorority girl. Even so, you have the best boards. You can take these Pinterest ideas and create something cool from a Mason Jar- which i’m sure you have. You made sure your little had a reveal basket the entire chapter would envy just like no one will ever top little Jimmy’s handmade Bar mitzvah favors.
9. Wine in anything but a wine glass.
You can lie to yourself about it being more effective in a coffee cup or a tumbler, but the truth is you don’t want the world to know you’re downing wine faster than Amanda Bynes went off the deep end. Children are nosy and clumsy and drunk college students are even worse. Imagine a world where the clumsiest person can’t reach the counter? You’ve been trained for this motherhood shit. You are already there.
10. You know what’s going on.
You’re somehow a part of every social circle within a ten-mile radius. You know who’s fighting, who’s cheating, and who is getting a bid from what fraternity. Why can’t that GDI Walter can’t step foot in the hockey house again? People are coming to you. Who’s that girl who took down a legendary bromance in Theta Chi? You’ve already pulled up her Instagram. You have eyes and ears everywhere. People like to talk and you’ll always be there to listen. You gravitate to people like you and you will always be in the loop.
Basically, you’re a mom years before your time. Embrace it. Driving a luxury SUV through the suburbs is the dream. If it’s not, don’t let the kids bring you down..