STDs are everywhere, even if we pretend they’re not. Some of them go away after taking a pill while others will haunt you for the rest of your days. But the worst part about STDs is having to tell other people you have them. Not that I can speak from experience (safe sex is the best sex), but I can only imagine the excruciating awkwardness that ensues. This is the only time that keeping a vague body count in your mind is useful. After you get your shit in line, it’s time for you to help others get their shit in line before it’s too late.
Whether you know who gave it to you or not, or whether you are on a talking basis with your past whatever-you-guys-weres, you have to tell them. It’s common decency. And I’m pretty sure it’s the law. So honestly, you need to sack up, get tested, and then get people in the know. To help you out, I’ve composed some texts you can send to past, present, and future partners.
- Hey, how’s it going, how are you, what’s up? When’s the last time you peed in a cup?
A little rhyming will mask the initial blow.
- It’S nAtIoNaL StD tEsT mOnTh. SeNd ThIs To 15 PeOpLe To ReMiNd ThEm To GeT tEsTeD oR yOu WiLl HaVe BaD lUcK fOr 15 YeArS.
He’ll just think you’re stuck in 7th grade. NBD.
- Have you met anyone with an STD? No? Hi, my name is_________.
Use this when you are casually trying to tell a future hookup about your situation down south.
- I have a riddle for you: when is being positive actually negative? When you take an STD test! …which you should do.
Who doesn’t love a good riddle?
- Do you want the bad news first?
He doesn’t have to know that there’s no good news.
- Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess with a curse. And only true love’s antibiotic could break it. But before she took it, she accidentally cursed her One Knight Stand.
…What happens next??
- Knock knock. *Who’s there?* Boo. *Boo who?* Don’t cry, chlamydia is curable!
Cute AND consoling.
- Are you an STD? Because I’m POSITIVE you should get tested.
Ok, this one is a bit of a stretch, but you get the idea.
- Hello. It’s me. I was wondering if you’ve ever gotten tested for STDs.
Just straightforward. May also be loosely based off of Adele.
- Roses are red. Violets are blue. I got herpes and then gave them to you.
Hehe. That one was just for funsies.
If you sent any variation of these texts, good for you. You are officially an adult. You owned up to the situation, and did your part to help others. It’s all behind you now. But maybe consider making him wear a condom next time..
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