As standards is always present to remind us, there are negative consequences for all fun behaviors. I feel that the Surgeon General serves as the Standards Board to real life, trying to ruin all of our fun and put a damper on our everyday activities and indulgences. Although they’re frowned upon, there are some vices we just can’t give up, because the pros outweigh the cons.
1. Diet Coke
Cons: According to health experts, Diet Coke can actually make you gain weight (I’m still not buying it), and aspartame, the artificial sweetener used in Diet Coke is said cause headaches, seizures, and mood swings.
Pros: It’s fucking delish and it’s versatile. It can be used as a mid-afternoon pick-me-up, alongside your dressing-less salad at lunch, and as a mixer in the evening. When paired with Tylenol, it’s been known to be a miraculous hangover cure. Also, it’s zero calories.
Cons: “Melanoma” aka “skin cancer” and “wrinkles,” according to some pale, rude doctors.
Pros: Everyone looks better and skinnier with a tan. Sunlight does give you a healthy dose of Vitamin D, which builds strong bones. Wrinkles can be fixed with anti-aging cream, collagen injections, and botox. Win.
Cons: Lung cancer.
Pros: If used in moderation (namely, that one menthol you just have to have when you’re absolutely hammered), it serves as a great way to keep your buzz going well after last call. It’s also an appetite suppressant, perfect for when you’re trying to avoid the inevitable drunk food binge after the bars.
4. Crash Diets
Cons: It can fuck up your metabolism and actually make you gain weight in the long run, especially when you make up for missed calories in an all-out binge once the event you were dieting for (spring break, formal, etc) is over. Lack of food can also tend to turn you into a huge bitch.
Pros: Diets are boring. Adhering to one all year would entail cutting out fun things like drinking. Cutting food out of your life for a few weeks before you spend an entire week with your pledge class on the beach is worth the few bitch fits you’ll have while your blood sugar is at an all-time low.
Cons: It can make you jittery, speed up your heart rate, and be highly addictive. According to “experts” it can mess up your nervous system and ruin your sleep schedule.
Pros: Starbucks is amazingly delicious. It’s also the best hangover cure ever, and if it weren’t for sugar free Red Bull, none of us would make it through finals week.
6. Misuse of Adderall
Cons: Increased heart rate, possible death, you could become addicted, etc. Boring.
Pros: Everybody knows the only way to study is with the assistance of 20mg. It’s also an incredible appetite suppressant, so you don’t have to take study breaks to eat.
7. Binge Drinking
Cons: Apparently, it can cause impaired judgment, lead to kidney and liver failure, and damage brain development.
Pros: If there’s a life in college that doesn’t consist of blacking out Thursday-Sunday, I don’t want to know about it. Yeah, it might be dangerous, but I can’t care that my weekend vodka addiction could have potentially caused long-term damage. Everyone knows it’s only alcoholism after you graduate, anyway.
8. Fast Food
Cons: Clogged arteries and weight gain, obviously. Gaining weight leads to a long list of health complications, death the most imminent. Also, nobody likes a fat chick.
Pros: Nothing is better than Taco Bell at 4:00AM. Just ask Karen Smith. It’s fun.
9. Pulling All-Nighters
Cons: Lack of focus, short-term memory loss, irritability, and the loss of ability to function properly after a few sleepless hours.
Pros: If it weren’t for procrastination, nothing would get done. Nobody actually studies for finals a little bit at a time. You have to have the pre-finals week anxiety attack, pop a few Addys (chased with Diet Coke), of course, go tanning to calm yourself, grab Starbucks, and head to the library for an all-night study bender. After you’re out of your exam, you generally go pass out for the most amazing nine hours of sleep in the world. It’s fine.
10. Unprotected Sex
Cons: I mean, I guess there’s the fear of getting an STD, of course. There’s also the awful prospect of an unwanted pregnancy.
Pros: Sometimes, when you’re “too drunk” to remember to use one, you realize that it is so much better without one. Also, not using a condom tends to give you leverage over your one-night stand, because they tend to be terrified there is the slightest chance you could have gotten pregnant. This is especially advantageous at this time of year with Father’s day quickly approaching, so you can really milk a pregnancy scare for all it’s worth.