Now that I’ve been a *shudder* grand big for a while, I’m starting to realize that grand bigs actually have a lot more in common with Kris Jenner than you’d think. As I was watching an episode of KUWTK last night, it dawned on me. No, not that I should be spending my time more productively, but that if hell ever froze over and Kris Jenner joined a sorority (work with me here), she would fit right in with the grand bigs. Here’s why:
1. She refuses to allow her grandchildren to call her “grandma” because it makes her feel old.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard a girl in my pledge class complain about how old being called “g-ma” or “grand big” made them feel, I would have enough money to buy myself another year of college so that I could continue to live in delusion that I’m not getting any older.
2. Kris is getting closer to death, and so are we.
Okay, she is getting closer to actual coffin/funeral/gone-from-earth death, but we are getting closer to graduation/real world/no-more-frat-parties death. News flash: They’re pretty much the same thing.
3. She pouts when she gets left out.
The series is littered with scenes of Kris getting irrationally upset when she isn’t included in something that her daughters are doing. She may be the matriarch, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like getting crunk and wearing age-inappropriate clothing. Grand bigs may need to maintain their GPAs and think about their futures, but that doesn’t mean they don’t still love frat parties and crop tops.
4. She shamelessly promotes her family.
For every photograph of Kris on her Instagram page, there are at least 10 posts promoting her daughters and their various accomplishments. Kris thinks her family is hot AF and smart AF, and she wants the world to know it. While their intelligence is definitely up for debate, you can’t fault the lady’s loyalty. The same goes for grand bigs. When they’re not incessantly bragging to their friends and family about how their lineage is obviously the best and brightest, they can be found talking their grand littles up in a major way at their favorite frats.
5. Kris has always been a party girl, but it seems as though her drinking has rapidly increased in recent years.
And, if you’re a grand big, you’re aware that yours has as well. After a long week of doling out
unwanted wanted advice to your family along with just, you know, general existing, the edge needs to be taken off and what better way to do so than by relaxing with a glass of wine big enough to hold half the bottle.
Actually, who even needs a glass?
6. Kris is a little nuts, and so are most grand bigs.
Kris’ ego is big enough that she doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her, as long as she is having a good time. The same goes for grand bigs. It’s not a party until a grand big is aggressively lip syncing to “I Don’t Fuck With You,” as if the fuckboys of years past will receive the message if she just dances hard enough.
7.Kris gives some pretty good advice.
Kris has incredible business savvy, having basically catapulted her family to massive success using pretty much just Kim’s sex tape to launch their careers. Although your grand big may not be a business major, she definitely knows how to secure free alcohol, dates to fraternity functions, and better grades. And she loves to skill her family in her nefarious ways.
8. She has a flair for the dramatic.
Same goes for any grand big worth her marg salt. Kris knows exactly how to make herself the center of attention at all times, and so do the grand-bigs of the world. They’re well versed in the art of passive-aggressiveness and in creating a commotion out of thin air.
9. Kris loves to spoil her family rotten, and so does every grand-big on the planet.
Nothing brings more joy than pampering the younger members of their lineage. Whether it’s coffee, airplane shots, or crafts; presents show the babies just how much grand bigs love their fam. Kris uses Cartier and Givenchy, but same diff.
10. She’s obsessed with family get-togethers.
As far as I can tell, Kris is never not planning a family gathering. She always gets super sad/pissed off when one of her family members announces they can’t attend. Grand bigs totally get where she’s coming from. It’s fucking hard to get everyone’s schedules to coordinate, and when you find out that a grand baby or niece will be absent from family drinking, it hits you where it hurts (in your heart and liver).
Kris, if you ever find yourself in frozen hell and wanting to join a sorority, just know that the grand bigs of America will welcome you with open arms and a big bottle of voddy. .