13 Possible Alternatives To The “You up?” Text


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Nice Move

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It’s a typical night out. You’ve just finished another bubbly concoction, bought for you by a guy who has no clue that girls are capable of drinking real alcohol. You leave the bar with your friends, purposely neglecting to say goodbye to any of your suitors because they failed to meet your standards. But you know who is an acceptable nightly companion? Your FWB. And he’s probably at home, doing nothing but reading your drunk tweets and hoping you’re hammered enough to request his presence between your, uh, sheets.

You whip out your phone after stumbling into a cab, and ask yourself exactly what you should say to initiate a romp. There’s the obvious “You up?” text, but you’re better than that. You’re horny, and, more importanty, you are drunkenly deluded enough to consider yourself a Victoria’s Secret-level goddess. It’s time to get creative. Refer to the following list, and pick a greeting that is fitting to your current situation.

1. “It’s looking cloudy tonight, with a 70% chance of let’s have sex right now.”

2. “Remember that time I gave you a blow job and you didn’t reciprocate, promising that you’d make it up to me in the future? It’s time to pay up.”

3. “Butt stuff? Just kidding. Vagina stuff?”

4. “Could you come over and bring a pizza? I like to eat after I mate.”

5. “Tinder may be down, but I bet you’re up.”

6. “Wanna come over and we can snuggle with our genitals?”

7. “I’ve been working in the studio for hours trying to create a model replica of your dick, but I’ve run into some trouble. Could you come over and give me a reference point?”

8. “Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Get your ass here,
So I can fuck you.”

9. “Let’s binge-watch Netflix and squeeze in some cardio between episodes.”

10. “How would you feel about engaging in some coital relations and then leaving immediately afterwards so I can sprawl out and sleep like the good Lord intended?”

11. “You left a white girl booty at my house. You should probably come ‘n get it.”

12. “My vibrator isn’t working, so I’m going to require your services tonight.”

13. “Hey, I have an itch and I really need you to scratch it. I’d do it myself, but I’m talking about sex and I need your penis.”

Should do the trick.

Lucky Jo is much less medicated than her mother and sister, and she tends to think that’s a good thing. She's the newest full-time addition to the Grandex office, which is probably why they gave her the shittiest desk. In her free time she enjoys scaring small children, judging her peers, and condescendingly talking to GDIs at Starbucks. Follow her on twitter for cat memes and complaints. Email her at lucy@grandex.co.

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