Since the day I walked at my high school graduation, weed has lacked its luster. The world of drinking and doing more expensive drugs just seemed more my speed. However, you would have to hide in the far corners of the world to be able to escape the 4/20 craze. Hey, I get it. You better believe that I take celebrating July 4th to an extremely unreasonable level, but I will admit that being a non-smoker around this time of the year can be a bit annoying. I appreciate the near endless offers of free hits, but do not appreciate the near constant interrogation while people try to figure out why I don’t want to toke up. Apparently, “because I don’t want to” or “I don’t like it” just won’t cut it anymore. Thankfully, these will.

1. Red, yellow and green are the colors of a house I don’t belong in, and I don’t want to betray my sisterhood.
   That’s, like, the rules of feminism!
2. I spent way too long on my eye makeup just to look like I have pink eye.
   I want to look sexy, not like patient zero.
3. Me and Bob Marley actually have some pretty strong beef.
   He told me to just “be happy,” and I really don’t appreciate being told what to do.
4. Miley Cyrus is a walking “it only takes once!” ad and that is enough for me.
   Sorry, not trying to get a bowl cut today.
5. Today is April 20? Fuck! I didn’t file my taxes!
   Real world responsibilities will scare the stoner.
6. Sorry, green doesn’t go well with my skin complexion.
   They don’t have to know you legit turned yourself into a leprechaun for St. Paddy’s Day.
7. I didn’t have time to craft a bong.
   If I’m not smoking out of something glittery, what’s the point?
8. I’m saving up for 2020, when entire month of April is 4/20.
   I’ll actually be long graduated by then, suckers.
9. My perfume is way too fucking expensive to smell like bong water.
   Believe it or not, Chanel and marijuana do not make a great mix.
10. Um, brownies are carbs.
    And I’m suspicious that butter might be, too.
11. I would… but I’m still not allowed back at Taco Bell after “the incident…”
    The threat of not getting Taco Bell is enough for them to run.
12. I don’t need inebriated to have fun.
    *starts chugging vodka*
13. Just think man, what if, like, the government *isn’t* out to get us?
    Guaranteed they will never trust talking to you again.
14. “Wake and bake?” more like “wake and corn flakes” amirite?
    Breakfast is the most important meal of the day after all.
15. *Start sobbing* this is the first time in 2 years a guy has given me a flower…
    Kill them with the threat of commitment.
16. The Miss America Pageant drug tests.
    That is literally the only thing standing between you and the crown.

Now hand me the vodka and let me pass on the grass, mkay?.

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Blue-eyed-blondie

Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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