I hate sexting. Like really, really hate it. It’s awkward, it’s embarrassing, and I don’t understand how on Earth it is supposed to be pleasurable. That being said, I sext a lot. Almost too much. But I have never masturbated while doing it. In fact, I only do it when I’m bored, I’m feeling gross, or I’m in need of a good laugh. Because who doesn’t want to be told that you’re sexy when you’re elbow deep in a tub of ice cream?

Sure, I might need to be told how beautiful I am every now and again, or I might want to be told that my halfhearted texts are enough to make you splooge (sorry, sorry), but I am not actually ever going to be into it for the right reasons. Maybe I’m just a psychopath, but I find it hilarious. Here’s how.

1. Send memes that can actually relate to the situation.
   Insist that Spongebob is perfectly sexy. Bonus points if you cry and make him feel bad for basically telling you that you aren’t sexy.
2. Send an audio message of actual porn.
   No one has time to fake the real thing.
3. Wait for him to be really into it and then ask if his brother is home.
   Now is the best time to ask if he’s seen your sweater.
4. Never, ever send a nude.
   Not only does that require effort, there’s a solid chance you’ll receive one back.
5. When he asks what you’re wearing, describe your full makeup routine.
   He needs to know the effort behind your ~natural~ look.
6. Ask him if wants to hear you describe exactly what you want from him.
   Describe a lesbian experience. Complete with a double sided dildo.
7. Tell him you’re into crazy fetishes you’re not actually into (such as BDSM or threesomes).
   Don’t do any of it IRL. Keep him guessing.
8. Ask him to call you Khloé Kardashian.
   “Why?! Because I’m not pretty enough to be her?!” When he hesitates.
9. Insist you have a hand fetish and need a picture of his hands.
   Claim you no longer have a hand fetish.
10. Refer to his penis as a cutesy name (like Lil’ Johnny).
    Keep changing the pet name to an even cuter name throughout the sext session.
11. Refer to your vagina as “Ron” and use masculine pronouns when describing it.
    Insist your partner does, too.
12. Stop and say you need to call your grandma real quick.
    “Never mind, I can do both.”
13. Be a sex goddess until he’s about to cum.
    Then respond “nah” when he asks if you want him to come to you.
14. Describe exactly how you want to be eaten out.
    But then remind him blowjobs aren’t your thing.
15. “What do you want me to do to you?”
    “Ask me to your formal.” Honesty is the best policy after all.
16. Do literally any sex tip you read in Cosmo.
    Guys really like it. Trust..
    

Image via Shutterstock

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Blue-eyed-blondie

Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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