When you’re at school and in the midst of finals, you want nothing more than to be at home with your family that you miss so much. But once you’re home, away from your friends and your college town, you’re suddenly bombarded with a bunch of questions about your life and your grades that you either don’t know or don’t want to know the answer to. The next time your loud aunt or touchy feely second cousin asks you another annoying question, here are a few sassy answers.
- How’s school going?
Great! I only thought about dropping out to become a stripper two times this week.
- What’s your major again?
It was biology, but I party way too much for that. Then it was education, but being around a bunch of screaming children hungover at seven in the morning was absolutely awful, so now it’s psychology, AKA the easy way out.
- So are you planning to go to grad school?
I don’t even know where I’m going to wake up tomorrow morning.
- What’s your GPA?
Wow that’s such a personal question, Cousin Whose Name I Forgot. Do you want to know my bra size too?
- You’ve been pretty busy at school, haven’t you?
Between passing out on fraternity lawns and barely passing my classes, it’s been a difficult semester.
- Have you made a lot of new friends?
I gained 180 new sisters and they all have a lot of friends and even more enemies.
- How did finals go?
There’s nothing wrong with taking a victory lap.
- Be careful about that Freshman 15!
I’m on a clear liquid diet — I’m drinking a lot of vodka. For exercise, I take long strides of pride in the morning.
- Do you have any plans for break?
Hook up with my high school boyfriend, text my friends from school constantly, and eat allllll of my mom’s food.
- Are you working?
I babysit. Whenever my friends and I go out, I’m always the one holding someone’s hair as they puke in the bushes.
- Are you saving money?
I have $3.75 in my checking account right now. I’m saving that for later.
- Do you have a boyfriend?
He doesn’t know it yet, but yeah, totally. I’ve already planned our wedding and named our three kids and dog. If only he would start texting me back.
- What ever happened to that guy _______ you were dating last year?
Oh, you mean that fuckboy who cheated on me with his TA? Yeah, surprisingly that didn’t work out.
- What are you plans after graduation?
I prefer to live in the moment. Right now I’m happy sleeping in late and drinking on weekdays.
- Well what do you see yourself doing in five years?
Doing something that allows me to sleep in late and drink on weekdays.
- Do you miss being home?
I miss my mom’s home cooked meals and accessibility to my dad’s credit card, but other than that, no.
- You aren’t getting into too much trouble, right?
Well, I’m not getting caught, so yes..