As we head into the summer, there are some important elections coming up. No, not the one for POTUS – honestly, I’m so over that one already, because, frankly, all of the candidates give me the creeps. What I’m talking about instead are the national president elections for your sorority. Many of you will head to your sorority’s convention this summer and vote on important issues, including who your next leader will be.
So what should you be looking for in the sister to ultimately lead your sisterhood? Well, it should be someone that understands the needs of sisters from different age groups, types of universities, races, genders and socio-economic backgrounds. Someone whose aim is the serve the sisterhood, not herself. Someone who gets that, while sorority is amazing and we do a lot of great things, we aren’t exactly curing cancer here and it’s okay to have a little bit of fun sometimes.
So what would I do if I was elected National President of my sorority? I’m so glad you asked…
- Ban any chapter events from taking place during The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and any other related shows.
Although, if more than three of you watch it together, it totally counts as a sisterhood event.
- Endow a fund to pay for Xanax for all Vice Presidents of Standards.
That poor bitch with the most thankless job ever needs to be medicated, stat.
- Alter the guideline bylaws provided to chapters so they are actually realistic.
I only break the rules, because they’re stupid.
- Grant a 24-hour amnesty period for pictures posted to social media on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights.
If that pic of you doing a keg stand in your letters disappears within 24 hours, it’s like it never happened.
- Revise The Sister Code of Conduct to include clauses about sleeping with another sister’s crush, letting your roommate go out in a skirt that makes her look fat, and eating the last piece of leftover pepperoni pizza.
All would be grounds for dismissal. That shit ain’t sisterly.
- Randomly show up at chapters – when they aren’t in trouble – and conduct Oprah-style giveaways.
You get free dues! And you get free dues! Everyone gets free dues!
- Change formal chapter meeting attire to include slippers, leggings, and oversized sweatshirts.
People listen better when they are comfortable.
- Declare that there must be pizza and/or chocolate at all chapter events that are deemed mandatory.
If you have to be there, it only seems fair that we have to feed you, right?
- Institute membership policies across the board that are inclusive for LGTBQ students.
It’s freaking time, my friends.
- Declare Justin Bieber the organization’s official sweetheart.
Have you seen the ass on that guy? Hello.
- Mandate that all chapter meal plans include wine.
Only for those over 21, of course. (wink wink)
- Have a bomb-ass social media presence so people know what I am doing.
Do you actually know what your national president does? Didn’t think so.
- And so members – all members – could communicate with me.
Have an idea, sister? Tweet it to me! If I favorite it, consider it done.
- Require that each chapter that has a house have a house puppy.
All house puppies would also be required to have their own Insta account, of course.
- Outlaw any and all recruitment t-shirts with cheesy sisterhood slogans.
Yes, I know you wear your letters on your front because your sisters have your back and that you never wondered if you joined the right sorority, but I don’t care. Be original.
- Alumna initiate Chrissy Teigen.
And then send her on a tour to host chapter philanthropy versions of “Lip Sync Battle.”
- Discuss each and every single one of the above with actual members – both collegiate and alumnae – before I do any of it.
You know, since it’s your organization and all..