Listen, it’s time we just say it: condoms suck. It’s a giant pain in the ass to stop mid-hot-and-heavy-hookup to have the “do you have a condom?” discussion and then fumble to put the damn thing on. And then there is the whole ick factor of what you do with it after. Ew, gross. Never mind that they are only 97% effective…and yes, they put that on the box.
As tempting as it may be to go bagless and simply buy Plan-B in the morning because it really DOES feel better without one, we all sat through middle school health class, so we know that condoms not only provide protection against babies, but STDs as well. And trust me, as much as babies freak me out, there is nothing I want less than a case of burning vagina.
But to be frank, when I’m in the heat of the moment (re: really drunk), I am pretty easily swayed over to Team No-Condom, which is likely being captained by the guy currently trying to get it in. My ability to think on my
back feet is generally compromised in these situations, so, in an effort to be better prepared for those moments, I decided for my sake (and yours) to come up with some practiced comebacks to the eighteen standard excuses he’ll give for not wanting to wear a condom.
- “It doesn’t fit; I’m too big.”
Is that what “big” looks like?
- “Condoms take away the feeling.”
So do drugs, but that doesn’t stop us from using them.
- “You’re the only one I’ve ever been with.”
Sure, and I’m a virgin, too. Now we both lied.
- “I’m clean.”
Oh, well I’m not, so…
- “Don’t you trust me?”
I trust my manicurist, and my hair dresser, and my bikini waxer — that’s about it.
- “I love you.”
I love my dog. What’s love got to do with it?
- “You can’t get pregnant if we do [insert sex position here].”
I’ve done a lot of things others have said was impossible.
- “But I never use them.”
Then you can add fucking me to the list of things you never do.
- “They’re expensive.”
If you really can’t afford condoms, then I can’t be here.
- “It feels so much better without one.”
And an orgasm feels better than no orgasm at all.
- “I don’t have one with me.”
*Dramatically pulls condom from bedside drawer like a magician.*
- “I’ll go get Plan B in the morning.”
No, but like. I can afford the $12 Plan B costs at Student Health. It’s just that two weeks of misery for me isn’t worth, like, 5-7 minutes of “slightly better” for you.
- “I can’t keep it up if I wear one.”
That’s honestly pathetic and you should be embarrassed.
- “I’ll pull out.”
What are we, in high school?
- “I’m allergic to latex.”
If only the condom companies were aware of this potential allergy and made non-latex options.
- “Aren’t you on the pill?”
- “There’s always the butt…”
Really? I didn’t think you’d be into that…but sure, I guess I’ll peg you.
- “You’re so sexy, let’s just do it.”
Yeah, but you’re only alright..
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