Everybody at some point in his or her life has a cute little schoolgirl crush. It’s just a natural part of having a pikachu or ding-a-ling. When I was in kindergarten I use to write my “boyfriend’s” name over and over again. Not trying to brag, but my Z’s, A’s, C’s, and K’s are pretty fucking sexy by now since I’ve had so much practice. But now that we are grown up and have (hopefully) matured a little, guys have found other ways besides pushing you on the swing to show their admiration for you. Some guys are total douchebags and girls praise them. Other men will charm your pants off. And some dudes are just straight up desperate for your attention. Ways to determine if a guy is under a dry spell are as follows:
- He asks for nudes every single hour.
- He sends random dick pics all of the time when they clearly aren’t desired.
- He slides into your DMs.
- Or even worse, he messages you on Instagram.
- He suddenly has nothing to do every single time you mention you don’t have plans. Either homeboy has absolutely no life besides sitting in front of a TV watching football and drinking beer, or he’s trying to hang out with you 24/7.
- An undeniably desperate boy will respond to Tinder messages quicker than he will respond to text messages.
- This boy also swipes right 99% of the time on Tinder.
- And then messages every girl creepy lines such as, “If I were a watermelon, would you spit or swallow my seeds?”
- You are pretty sure any minute now you won’t have any storage on your phone because how much this boy texts you.
- He likes all of your posts on social media.
- And has made sure to creep super hard and like every one of your posts since 2009. Bitches love likes.
- He asks “Netflix and chill?” on average eleven times per week even though he knows you are busy conditioning your hair and shopping online for doughnut pool floats.
- Even when you don’t shack, he gives you shirts. Either you look hella cute in his letters and he wants to use you as a fraternity rush technique, or he is trying to bribe you to go out with him…and then earn yet another shirt the same way any other college girl does.
- When you go out and have four too many Fireball shots, he wants to be your personal Uber. In his mind, being your DD means you owe him a beej. Pro tip: always secretly request an Uber ten minutes before you tell everyone you want to leave the party or bar.
- He uses corny pickup lines that you have already heard 4,007 times. And even though they never work, he insists to keep trying them out. Like I get it, I’m a 10, but not from Tennessee. Try something more original, bud.
- He sees you at the gym doing squats and decides to ask if you need help. Nice try, creep.
- He is willing to settle for a handy.
- He literally BEGS all of your friends to hook you up with him.
Is this a rap song? No. But somebody needs to make it rain because Lonely Boy is PARCHED..