19 Things We Wish Boys Just Knew


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Nice Move


Even after roughly twenty years of experience, boys are still just so dumb about everything that has to do with girls. We, on the other hand, have figured out literally everything there is to know about the male gender and how to manipulate their every move. So, why not just give them a list of all the things they should know by now but their inherent stupidity has prohibited them from learning? So, dear future not-boyfriends, here’s a few things you need to know if you want to be a girl’s “one and only” for at least a few months until you fizzle out over the summer.

  1. Once a month things are going to get downright nasty, and you have to be totally understanding of the relentless, week-long bullshit parade.
  2. If a girl looks like she’s about to burst into tears, never ask her, “Is everything okay?” It will not end well for anyone.
  3. And never say anything like, “You look [upset, sick, mad, like you’re having a bad day].” The last thing we want is to know is that we look anything other than gorgeous. This goes especially for days when we aren’t wearing makeup.
  4. If a girl looks like she’s about to go on a Real Housewives style rampage, take her somewhere absent of sharp objects and breakables and tell her you’re sorry. You definitely did something wrong even if you aren’t aware.
  5. If a girl says “I’m fine,” she is most certainly not fine. Except sometimes she is fine, and you just have to know the difference.
  6. When you Netflix and chill, try playing with a girl’s hair once in a while instead of her boobs. This doesn’t mean petting her awkwardly like she’s a wet dog. Put some heart into it. Or like, pretend you’re gay. It’s only a few minutes (an hour tops).
  7. If the girl hasn’t done her thing yet, you shouldn’t have either. Equality, you know?
  8. Same goes for doing the tongue tango on your man piece. None for Gretchen Wieners. None for you.
  9. We’ll help you do your laundry because, let’s face it, you’re hopeless at doing chores. But the second you start taking advantage of us we are DONE.
  10. Just pay for dinner, okay? We pay for the cute outfits, hair appointments, and expensive makeup. The least you could do is cover a plate of linguini. You’ll be eating the leftovers later anyway.
  11. Dress like you care. Gym shorts are for the gym. Girls like when you care about how you look. But don’t take more time getting ready than we do. That’s just wrong.
  12. Girls do, in fact, poop. Get over it. But let’s still try to never talk about it.
  13. If a girl accidentally farts in front of you, pretend you didn’t hear it. Or smell it. Or want to laugh at it.
  14. And you should try your best not to fart in front of us. Show some self respect. You’re better than that.
  15. We love Justin Bieber and you should, too. However, you would never be able to pull the kind of shit he does and get back together with a nice girl like Selena. You don’t have nearly enough money for that.
  16. If you think you’re right, you’re probably wrong. Scratch that. Definitely wrong.
  17. Always compliment a girl when you pick her up for a date. We spent a lot of time getting that shit together.
  18. We know you didn’t “accidentally” put it in the wrong hole. Just ask if you’re curious. Some of us will oblige.
  19. And if a girl doesn’t want to do butt stuff, don’t press the issue. We already don’t like the fact that you might have to see where we shit, and we most certainly don’t want you purposefully searching for it — let alone sticking things in it.


Who said you can't be smart and funny? When I'm not writing for TSM, you can find me studying into oblivion, downing a bottle of chardonnay, and/or sobbing for reasons I have yet to understand. All hate fan mail can be sent to premed.donna.tsm@gmail.com.

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