One of the most entertaining activities of late nights for my friends and I, besides drinking heavily and sloppy makeouts, is drunken kleptomania. Well, it was anyway, until about our second year. Then it was just irritating to everyone and not worth the effort. I know that it’s theoretically a terrible thing to do, but it’s a fantastic way to finish up the night with a sense of victory.
1. A road sign that the fraternity house has already stolen from the street.
2. The 8 ball off the pool table of the cokehead fraternity.
3. Traffic cones and barriers.
4. Naturally, composites, but I suggest the one from third year. Makes brownout morning after identification easier and not so heavily guarded.
5. Some poor fellow’s shoes because you just can’t make it home in yours. Return these the next morning. Maybe.
6. Photo of yourself doing something unladylike to an SAE lion.
7. Shack Shirt, sans shacking.
8. **Double Points* Jazzy Scooter. This is the holy grail because those weirdos who own such a thing guard it with their lives.
9. Rubber Ducky from the bathroom (That’s too queer to be in a frat house anyways).
10. Some item of some bro’s costume for a theme party to add to your costume box (a pirate sword in my case).
11. An item of a ridiculous outfit they’re making their pledges wear
12. Just one of the keg taps. Paint the handle pink and then put it somewhere obvious, ideally before the party is over.
13. Dignity in the form of photographing one of the e-board members publicly hooking up with a troll and a half.
14. The door code. Duh. Keep that shit in your phone notes, never know when you’ll need it.
15. Any embarrassing products you come upon that he will not enjoy replacing. Jergens is the mainstay but you can usually find something weird.
16. Signature Sratire move: His laundry. Put it in the laundry room. He won’t find it for days.
17. Whatever those mesh filters are they put in their bongs that seem intrinsic to the bong rip process.
18. Corn Hole boards. These you’ll need to return in their exact location after one day and a half.
19. TV Remotes. All of them.
20. This one will require some advance planning, but the toilet seat/seats (of course once the other girls have left) are another high priority item. Now you now how it feels to be so hungover that you don’t check, and become faced with a soaking wet ass. Teach him to maybe put the seat back down.
Return the appropriate items, depending on how much you like that fraternity, your sentimental attachment to the object, and whether you’re just trying to make them sweat it out a little. And always type out a little clever note when you bring it back. Type. And indicate that it’s your rival sorority. Cab drivers are usually happy to make these deliveries.