I honestly hate to cuddle. Whatever inherent female gene that tells most women to be clingy post-coitus never fully developed in me. You’d think that would mean I’d never have to get cozy with some guy after a sleepover, but alas, it does not. I’ve found that every guy I’ve shared a bed with, even platonically, likes to snuggle up just as much as I hear girls are supposed to — probably because I’m so pretty. I don’t get it. A little cuddling is fine when you’re watching a movie on the couch, but other than that, I’m really going to need you to keep your hands to yourself. It’s just so emotional that unless I’m in love with you or at least very deeply in lust with you, it almost feels like a lie. More than the fact that it’s weird to cuddle with someone you barely know and care about even less, I find that it’s uncomfortable, it makes it difficult to sleep, and you literally become trapped in the awkward situation you are desperately trying to escape. Call me crazy (trust me, you won’t be the first), but when I’m in a man’s arms in the morning, the last thing I think about is how lovely it feels. Instead, I’m thinking the following…
1. What did I do last night, and how much do I regret it?
2. He’s not as cute as he was yesterday, but at least he’s just as rich.
3. Please stop kissing me. The only thing I want on my lips is a bottle of Gatorade.
4. No, it’s cool. I didn’t need to breathe actual oxygen. The Axe Body Spray I’m inhaling since you insist on holding my face close to your chest should suffice.
5. Where’s my bra?
6. If I move, will it wake you? More importantly, do I care?
7. How is it possible that your arm is heavy enough to be causing my rib cage to collapse?
8. I wish I’d been able to sleep last night. It’s always nicer to wake up with a good night’s sleep than with the memory of your suitor passing gas during his.
9. I’d better get a good shack shirt out of this. I almost have enough to make a t-shirt quilt out of the clothing I’ve acquired from men since freshman year.
10. Feel free to keep up with that breast fondle if you’d like, just know that if you think you’re going to parlay it into a morning session, you WILL be disappointed.
11. Good Lord, did I dream him saying “I hope you like scuba divers, because I’m about to go down,” or did he really think that was sexy? Of all the humiliating things that happened last night, I think I’m most embarrassed by that.
12. My bottom arm could be beneath me right now or a hobo could be using it to stimulate himself in a dumpster and I wouldn’t know the difference, because I seriously can’t feel it at all.
13. I’d really like to get going soon. I’ve got places to go and people to see — like my living room floor, and the Real Housewives of New Jersey, whose marathon will surely be on Bravo all day long.
14. Listen, buddy. I know you think I wanted that forehead kiss, but it was a little too personal. I’m really only comfortable with being kissed in less personal places, like my nipples.
15. Hopefully he doesn’t realize that I casually shifted from a nook position to a spooning position so I could play on my phone.
16. I wonder if he’d mind loosening his death grip so I don’t pee in his bed. Plus, everyone knows that once somebody stands up, you can start pretending the night never happened.
17. I look like Avril Lavigne did my eye makeup and Helen Keller did my hair, and I feel like someone is playing a game of Javanoid with my brain cells, and I really don’t know which is more wretched.
18. Perhaps he’s only such a snuggler because he thinks it’s what I want to do. Should I tell him I’m not that kind of girl? Unlike when I said that last night, this time, I’ll mean it.
19. This has really been a horribly unpleasant morning.
20. I hope he calls me.