20 Ways To Spot A Freshman

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Nice Move

You Might Be A Freshman If...

One of the best things about returning to school in the fall, besides everything, is heckling freshmen. I remember when I was a bright-eyed bushy-tailed campus newbie and it happened to me every weekend. I’d just be minding my own business on a Friday night, and suddenly, it would begin. Beer cans would fly at us from the drunk porches of senior girls, hollering “FRESHMENNNNNN!!!!! Are you lost?! Do you need directions to the party?!” My floormates and I would look at each other, embarrassed. We are lost, we do need directions to the party, and most importantly HOW DO THEY KNOW WE’RE FRESHMEN?! It was perplexing and exhausting, and we just couldn’t figure it out. So froshies, I’m here to help. Here are twenty reasons everyone knows you’re a freshman.

1. You’re wearing flats to the bar.

2. You’re wearing heels to class, and you’re not a foreign exchange student from Japan.

3. You talk about how people did things at your high school.

4. You carry a backpack.

5. You wear a lanyard with your student ID and dorm key around your neck.

6. You pay to get into parties.

7. You travel in packs. If there are more than six of you together, that’s the biggest tip-off.

8. You text your long-distance boyfriend instead of dancing with the hot guy in front of you.

9. You wear jeans at night.

10. You only drink expensive liquor under the false pretense of elitism — when all it means is you haven’t gotten used to alcohol that you didn’t steal from your parents yet.

11. You’re “sooooooo drunk” and make sure to tell people.

12. Your most recent photo album is titled “College is SO awesome!”

13. You have to ask for directions.

14. You stroll up and down frat row looking for a party.

15. You go out before 11pm.

16. You still trust your RA.

17. You’re seen going to a bottom-tier frat house, because you don’t know any better yet.

18. You’re stealing peanut butter and crackers from a random kitchen.

19. Your phone’s background is a picture from Prom.

20. You can’t make it out past 2.

***

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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