2016 Rush Crush Obituaries, Part One


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Miller, Sarah

Sarah, age 18 and a half, was cut this past Monday night for wearing a peplum top with a flared skirt. Sarah was a promising PNM, as reports show that her most recent Instagram post gained a whopping 429 likes. She was, however, an idiot—everyone knows peplum should either be worn with skinny jeans or left in 2012 with wedge sneakers and “Call Me Maybe.” She is survived by her second cousin, sister Tara, who unfortunately isn’t popular enough to gain the support necessary to keep her kin in the running for a bid. We wish Sarah the best of luck with the rest of recruitment, unless she talks shit about us to her floormates, in which case she can go fuck herself.

Gantt, Mildred a.k.a. “Milly”

Milly, daughter of somewhat successful billboard lawyer, was cut after she asked sister Kelly if she knew any “doable” dealers in town. Milly started recruitment on a positive footnote, and her double D’s would’ve been an asset in our chapter’s record breaking winning streak in ATO’s underground wet T-shirt contest. However, we can’t overlook this inappropriate gesture, even if it was brought on by Kelly’s residual scent of marijuana and Marc Jacob’s “Daisy” perfume. Milly will be missed, and if anyone sees her on campus in the coming weeks, feel free to give her Russian Mike’s phone number. Dude is low on customers and could use a few freshmen to cheat.

Harper, Betsy

Betsy, a member of her high school’s show choir, initially wowed us with her impressive 4.0 and contouring abilities. She was listed as one of our top twenty choices, but was ultimately dropped for asking sister Meghan if she believes in our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ. Meghan, an active Athiest who is rumored to have her nipples pierced, does not believe in our lord and savior Jesus Christ. The decision was made to cut Betsy before she could cut us, as Meghan was already PMSing and may or may not have but definitely did make a scene, eventually reducing Betsy to tears. It would be best if we didn’t further discuss the incident, and if I were you I would steer clear of Meghan for the next 3-5 days.

Truman, Emily

Emily, rush crush of sister Marie, was a promising rushee and former high school cheerleader. She didn’t make the cut, however, as she was dropped for her 2.9 GPA and “meh” personality. Sister Marie swore that Emily’s sense of humor was more then enough to make up for her academic failure, but when asked what she was most excited for in the coming years, Emily answered, “Uhm, I dunno, football season?” This answer was too stupid and unoriginal to overlook, and it was decided that Emily would be better off joining the unremarkable sisters of Gamma Delta Iota. If she makes the cheer squad, we all owe Marie a fat fucking apology.

York, Margie

Margie, sister to infamous fuckboy Brad of the Kappa Alpha Order, was cut this past Tuesday for inquiring about our hazing policies. Sister Kaitlin was able to maintain her composure and assure Margie that we are a non-hazing organization before diverting the topic to Margie’s fall semester class schedule. Debates were held to determine if this was too severe of an offense to overlook, and after speculation that we should just admit her and haze her down the road for being such a nosy little bitch, it was determined that cutting her would be a more reasonable solution. It was also agreed that this would be a sufficient punishment for her brother, who has committed unspeakable acts to more than seven of our sisters. Take that, Brad, you fucking liar.

Lucky Jo is much less medicated than her mother and sister, and she tends to think that’s a good thing. She's the newest full-time addition to the Grandex office, which is probably why they gave her the shittiest desk. In her free time she enjoys scaring small children, judging her peers, and condescendingly talking to GDIs at Starbucks. Follow her on twitter for cat memes and complaints. Email her at lucy@grandex.co.

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