21 Funny Things Guys Do In Their Sleep


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I’ve always maintained the belief that guys are the cutest while they’re asleep, and not just because it’s the only time when they’re physically incapable of saying the wrong thing and fucking everything up, but because there is a direct correlation between how tired a man is and how much he resembles a puppy. Sleeping next to a man is the second best thing you can do in a bed, and it’s scientifically proven that no heterosexual woman can resist a guy with sleepy eyes and messy hair. That being said, we have to remember that they’re still men, and are 100 percent capable of pissing you off during any point of the day and/or night. To ensure that we don’t give them too much credit and forget how obnoxious they can be, I’ve compiled a list of the most annoying and hilarious moves guys pull while they sleep. Because he doesn’t have to be conscious to annoy the absolute shit out of you.

  1. Have the audacity to request that you share some of the covers, as if you were someone who gives a shit about the comfort of those around you.
  2. Get excited every ten minutes and smash their half chubs into your back, in hopes that you have any intention of doing something about it.
  3. Radiate enough heat to provide warmth to a small eskimo camp.
  4. Thrash so hard you’re convinced they’re having a dream about fending off a school of jaws in shark infested waters.
  5. Grab all of the booty, all of the time.
  6. Twitch as though they were undergoing some type of virtual electrocution.
  7. Snore so loud you have to keep repeating their positive qualities to yourself just so you won’t call it quits and James Bond the fuck out of the place.
  8. Pass out with their heads in your lap (this one isn’t necessarily funny, just fucking adorable).
  9. Somehow manage to pull all the sheets off the bed and compile them into a single twisted heap at the foot of the bed.
  10. The one hand in the pants positioning, for reasons which I’m convinced I’ll never quite understand.
  11. Wrap themselves in blankets until they are basically indistinguishable from a beef burrito.
  12. Roll around on your hair, because apparently their end game is to ensure that you wind up bald.
  13. Dream about their ex girlfriends. I don’t have any proof for this one, but I just know he’s picturing that dumb bitch naked.
  14. Take up more than half of the bed, because they have no concept of what’s fair and, more importantly, what’s yours.
  15. Place their manhood on the line by rolling over and requesting you take a turn as the big spoon (a.k.a. ladle).
  16. Make super weird moaning noises that are half cute, half creepy.
  17. Sleep talk about random shit anything and anyone that isn’t you.
  18. Hug you so tight that their facial hair itches your face and forces you to choose between male affection and your own sanity.
  19. Subconsciously declare themselves the mayor of Fart City.
  20. Have an unprecedented emotional response to your friendly back scratch, and insist that you continue until the end of time.
  21. Unintentionally put you in a severely uncomfortable headlock that reminds you of their sheer strength and ends up making you a lil’ horny.
Lucky Jo is much less medicated than her mother and sister, and she tends to think that’s a good thing. She's the newest full-time addition to the Grandex office, which is probably why they gave her the shittiest desk. In her free time she enjoys scaring small children, judging her peers, and condescendingly talking to GDIs at Starbucks. Follow her on twitter for cat memes and complaints. Email her at lucy@grandex.co.

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