22 Ways To Pretend You’re Living “Titanic” Once Netflix Takes It Down


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Netflix, fulfiller/destroyer of dreams, announced this week that it will be pulling Titanic from its lineup on August 1. Essentially, that means you only have a limited amount of time left to watch the iconic movie before it goes back into James Cameron’s vault like a Disney movie (because let’s be real, the only copy you have is your parents’ old VHS tape, and there’s no chance of that being rewound anytime soon). But why just re-watch it, when you can live the iconic masterpiece yourself?

  1. Stake claim to a giant and quite famous piece of jewelry. Persuade people that it’s yours with an elaborate and detailed story of your destined, but doomed whirlwind romance that ends with your lover’s frozen fate.
  2. Literally gamble with your future.
  3. Be dramatic about how unfair your privileged life is. Tell people who try to help, “You don’t know my life.”
  4. Have an affair and make literally no effort to hide it from anyone, including the person you’re currently engaged to.
  5. Hock spit “like a man” for absolutely no reason in front of all the nicest people you know to see who can do it the furthest. Embarrass your mother.
  6. Go to dinner with the finest, wealthiest people on board. Get insulted.
  7. Go to a party, dance like nobody is watching. Drink some beer and show off your tame, but oddly badass party tricks while smoking a cig you pulled out of some stranger’s mouth.
  8. Hate every aspect of your over-privileged life.
  9. Be the king of the world.
  10. Continue to put absolutely no effort into hiding your affair. Make out on deck at the bow of the ship.
  11. Make a stranger draw you in nothing but the 54-carat diamond necklace you scored from your fiancé just two nights ago.
  12. Tell your grandkids and anyone who will listen about the night grandma got freaky with someone who isn’t grandpa.
  13. Pay someone large sums of money to watch your partner’s every move.
  14. Run away from that guy^ and flip him the bird to assert dominance.
  15. Have sex in the backseat of your car (you know, just like you did when you were seventeen). Leave a handprint on the window (J+R were here 04/14/1912).
  16. When shit hits the fan, go running into the arms of the same people you’ve been running from the entire night.
  17. Believe the guy who is hell-bent on controlling your life. Bonus points if you realize the truth before he slaps the snot out of you.
  18. Put all that spitting practice to good use – spit in some asshole’s face and run quick, run far.
  19. Talk about how long the first-class wait for a lifeboat is. Relish in your privilege, warmth, and knowledge of your impending survival.
  20. Save someone’s life. Then allow them to die a frigid death as you are not one to share the giant piece of wood you’re floating on that’s keeping you alive. (THERE WAS ROOM FOR TWO!)
  21. Secretly keep that giant rock your entire life. Disregard the fact that there are people literally dedicating their lives trying to find it. Drop it into the ocean, anyway, and make the most annoying sound you can muster.
  22. Let your life as you’ve known it go down with the ship. Start a new life. Tell no one.

Image via Youtube / Paramount Movies

My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. The SEC is better, Beyoncé is my Jesus, and one time I wrote a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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