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23 Horrible Ways He Better Not Propose

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Because if he does any of these, it’s better that he just doesn’t propose.

  1. On a Jumbotron – The only thing that could be worse than being forced to attend a sporting event is being there with a guy who thinks a sporting event is the appropriate place to propose.
  2. Finding the ring in my food – If I don’t accidentally eat it, which, let’s be honest, I most likely will, I will forever stare at the tiny pieces of food stuck in the crevices of it and question my life choices.
  3. At Disney World – First of all, I’m a grown-ass woman. Second of all, I’m a grown-ass woman.
  4. Putting the ring on my finger while I’m asleep – Not only will I be pissed off because in the morning my breath smells like a snail died in there, but I’ll most likely think I did something really dumb last night after that one-too-many shot of tequila.
  5. At a restaurant – Eating out is awkward. Eating out while having a guy kneel on the ground and declare his love for you while strangers stare you when you just want another basket of bread is even more awkward.
  6. In a field – If some guy takes me out to an empty, grassy plain, not only will I be mad that he took me to a place where I’m simultaneously sweating and getting feasted on by bugs, but I’ll have a sneaking suspicion he might kill me, too.
  7. No Ring — That’s weird that he wants me to commit to him for a lifetime when he can’t even commit three months (or 12, whatever) worth of pay to me. So…no.
  8. The ring in a bowling ball – Bowling allies are places reserved for lackluster excitement, hanging out with people you don’t want others to see you with, and when there’s literally no other option for something to do. That’s basically what a proposal there says.
  9. In a hot air balloon: Nothing screams romance like me, my boyfriend, and some random balloon operator in a little basket suspended in the air. Do you make small talk with the random after? And like, what if you say no? Can you ask to return to the ground or does that cost more?
  10. An ugly ring – If saying no because the ring is hideous is wrong, then there’s no way I can be right.
  11. During sex – I’M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE RIGHT NOW ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THANKS A LOT. CAN’T I AT LEAST HAVE AN ORGASM FIRST?
  12. In front of my family – I’ve had more than 20 years with these people breathing down my neck, and now I have to awkwardly decide what I want to do as they shout out their answers? Like, I get it. I can hear you, Mom.
  13. A giant airplane banner or sky writing: Not only will I be very confused and possibly think it’s not directed toward me, but, like, look at my face when you’re asking me to chain myself to you for eternity. Thanks.
  14. With a flash mob – I don’t know what people randomly dancing has to do with being in love considering that I enjoy moving my body as little as possible, but this situation will make me claustrophobic, confused, and with my luck, one of the dancers will accidentally hit me with his or her flailing limbs.
  15. Without a plan – Sure, being spontaneous is sexy when it involves picking out a new restaurant or, like, if he’s getting me a very expensive present, but randomly asking with no plan, no fireworks (literal or figurative, preferably literal) and no ring? No thanks.
  16. He doesn’t get down on his knee – I’ve gotten down on my knees HOW many times? He can do it this ONE time.
  17. Involving the song “Marry You” – Referring to marrying me as “something dumb to do” isn’t really the winning, heartfelt speech I’ve been waiting for.
  18. A scavenger hunt – I’m not a pledge. I’ve worked hard enough in this relationship. Don’t make me fucking search for it.
  19. On the tip of his penis – It’s sad that I even have to bring up this one. But really? Make just one–ONE–thing not about a dick. Please.
  20. With a crowd around – I’d be happy not seeing my ugly-crying face plastered on the Internet posted by people I don’t know.
  21. Nothing involving singing – Few things are more awkward than acting casual while listening to a guy mediocrely play the guitar and belt out a crudely written song off-key.
  22. Costumes – Just let me wear my yoga pants, please.
  23. By not asking at all – Seriously. There’s a Tiffany’s at like, every mall. Can’t he just pop in one, grab a princess cut, and pop the question in a super cute way and spend the rest of his life being eternally devoted to me and letting me use his credit card? Like, come on, man.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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