23 Things You Should Probably Thank Your Gay Best Friend For


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23 Things You Should Probably Thank Your Gay Best Friend For

In a 5-4 decision on Friday, June 26, the Supreme Court said “eff it. I really want to go to a gay wedding.” And so it was. Gay marriage was legalized in all 50 states, just like that, and our GBFs fully rejected the idea of commitment. They’re still college guys, after all.

The majority came to the decision citing the 14th amendment, equal protection for all citizens under the law. They noted children of gay parents would otherwise always grow up with the stigma of knowing they were somehow “less.” In honor of this incredible day, we wanted to say thank you to our favorite best friends for the following.

  1. Putting on his “straight voice” when some creepo is trying to mack on you.
  2. Threatening to disassociate from you when you say the word “mack.”
  3. Being the only one who will tell you when you’ve gained ten pounds — and yes, everyone notices.
  4. Teaching you everything he knows about blow jobs. Which is a lot more than Jessica knows, because he has a penis, and she does not.
  5. Coming to your defense with the perfectly timed, jaw-droppingly bitchy insult when someone messes with you. No passive aggressive bullshit for him.
  6. Being your stand-in boyfriend when you need one for rom coms, or appearances at the auto-shop. As long as he doesn’t talk.
  7. And being the perfect shoulder to bitch on.
  8. Taking you to gay clubs when you JUST. WANT. TO. DANCE.
  9. And putting you in your place when you start to act like a diva, because no one’s hitting on you at said gay club.
  10. Telling you straight up: cheese is the enemy, and all these other bitches just want you to get fat.
  11. Understanding that your boyfriend is going to take a minute, because he’s so self-absorbed that he thinks any gay man is going to pounce on him.
  12. And then being patient with him when he suddenly goes all Spanish Inquisition on him about life in the gay lane.
  13. Taking all of your Instagram photos for you.
  14. And not bitching about it, because he realizes this is important.
  15. Never letting you out of the house without looking flawless.
  16. Being brutally honest, even when you don’t want to hear it.
  17. Not being afraid of healthy food, yoga, or fro-yo.
  18. Going to a last-minute formal, date event, or wedding with you when the guy you were talking to breaks your heart.
  19. Seriously, on the blow job thing. I know I already said it, but I think it counts twice.
  20. For somehow knowing all the best party music lightyears before you do.
  21. Reminding you that taking your heels off for a reason as lame as “your feet hurt” does nothing but make you four and a half inches uglier.
  22. Shopping with you when your boyfriend won’t.
  23. For setting an example of being who you want to be, loving who you want to love, and never apologizing for being absolutely fabulous.

Image via Helga Esteb / Shutterstock.com

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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