23 Thoughts You Have About An Impending Drug Test


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Nice Move

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Congratulations, maybe you already have an internship (or full time job) laid out for you this summer. You’ve polished your resume, killed the interview, and signed the dotted line, so to speak. At this point, you might think it’s time to celebrate like pre-rehab Johnny Football. You’d be wrong, because you still have one more hurdle to pass – the drug test.

Almost every company now a day requires passing a basic pee test in order to actually get the job or internship. As someone who likes to recreationally abuse a plethora of illicit substances, I understand the absolute dread you face going into a drug test. I’ve taken my fair share of tests so it’s with some degree of confidence that I tell you that these are the thoughts running through your head at any given moment.

  1. How long does it take to get weed out of your system?
  2. Is it even a big deal if weed shows up, I mean it’s basically legal…
  3. Why did I let my stupid FWB convince me that smoking once on spring break wouldn’t be a big deal?
  4. What if I fail? Omg, that’s so embarrassing. Everyone is going to think I’m like, a drug addict.
  5. Or worse, what will my parents say? They already know I got the job.
  6. What if they cut me off because of this?
  7. Or take my car away.
  8. Or stop paying my tuition.
  9. If I fail, I will quite literally have to become a stripper.
  10. What about the jungle juice the guys served at the party on Friday. It’s always an unspoken understanding that they are putting some type of pills in there.
  11. Like normally it’s Adderall and who doesn’t love the extra energy the hunch punch will provide to keep you going all night.
  12. Shit, I totally forgot Adderall was even considered a drug.
  13. The only reason I even passed midterms was because Katie doesn’t mind sharing her prescription.
  14. What all do these tests even look for?
  15. Is it true that if I eat a poppy seed bagel right before the test I can have plausible deniability for opiate use?
  16. Is cocaine an opiate? Will eating poppy seeds negate the lines I did at the Bottle & a Babe two weekends ago?
  17. Fuck. Weed is one thing, but how do I explain to everyone I failed because I’m basically a coke whore.
  18. Don’t they sell detox kits at GNC or something?
  19. I wonder how well they work…
  20. Should I do a practice test before the real drug test, just to make sure I pass?
  21. How expensive is that anyway?
  22. Oh. My. God. What if they test my hair instead of my pee? I heard drugs stay in your hair for like 10 years or something ridiculous like that.
  23. Wasn’t that the reason for the full psycho Britney meltdown of ’07? She shaved her head because of drugs…

Calm down. Trust me, everything will be fine. As I said, I’ve had to take a lot of drug tests throughout the years and I have yet to fail a single one. Assuming you are only a recreational user and you don’t blow lines a la Pablo Escobar or rival Wiz Khalifa in your weed game, passing shouldn’t be a problem. For the casual user, marijuana takes 30 days to exit your system, coke and more specifically, the metabolite Benzoylecgonine they test for, take 5 days, and Adderall can be out of your system in just 2 days.

Yes, GNC does sell a detox although it tastes like absolute shit and I’m not convinced it actually does anything except make you piss a shit ton. The best thing to do if you are legitimately concerned about failing is to drink lots of water and work out every day. Exercising and staying hydrated will increase how fast your body metabolizes the drugs and will get them out of your system quicker.

And for the love of God, do not try to blame the Adderall that shows up on the poppy seed fucking bagel. You’ll just look stupid and still fail.

Champagne Showers is a contributing writer for TSM. She is your typical Northern Diva. If curse words, sexual content, and drug use offend you, then bless your heart. CS will continue living the life you're too scared to live. email her at: champagne_showers@outlook.com

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