26 Things I Would Do If I Had A Peen For A Day


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26 Things I Would Do If I had A Dick For A Day

Ah, the d*ck. The penis. The schlong. The bologna pony. Your boyfriend’s third leg, and one of your favorite toys. Whatever you want to call it, we’ve all had some good times with that dirty wiener. It has seen you at your best and it has seen you at your worst, and you love the fact that it was equally enthusiastic both times. You don’t know what you would do without it, and quite frankly, you probably wouldn’t know what you would do with it. I’ve spent an obscene amount of time pondering what life with a joystick would be like. To be clear, as the superior sex, I obviously wouldn’t ever want to trade in for a dong long term. But one day would suffice. After long hours of reflective thought, I believe I’ve compiled the perfect list of activities to indulge in if I was blessed with a johnson for 24 hours.

  1. Have sex. Obviously.
  2. Send dick pics to everyone I know. Literally everyone– friends, exes, grandparents — everyone.
  3. Get excessively hammered and whip out my balls.
  4. Get hit in the nuts to see what the fuss is about.
  5. Watch TV with my hand down my pants. Because I really don’t understand why that’s a thing.
  6. Jerk it.
  7. Figure out if the hand-to-dick ratio theory is accurate.
  8. Press it against everything I own.
  9. Buy a steel cup and then provoke a friend into punching me in the crotch.
  10. Whip it around like a dickopter.
  11. Hang an ornament from it.
  12. See if I could move it without using my hands.
  13. Beg someone for a blow job to see what all the hype is about.
  14. Buy a girl drinks all night long, and then go home alone.
  15. Put it in a hotdog bun and have a nice giggle.
  16. Pee on all of the things.
  17. Make scary shadow puppets.
  18. Expose myself to everyone I love. Maybe everyone I don’t love, too.
  19. Knit it a tiny sweater.
  20. Show people the sweater and say, “It’s called fashion, look it up.”
  21. Buy a trench coat and neglect to wear pants underneath.
  22. Travel to the far corners of the internet to determine what the weirdest thing capable of giving me a boner is.
  23. Tuck said boner into my waistband.
  24. Go on a run to see if there actually is an uncomfortable amount of friction.
  25. Measure it.
  26. Touch it excessively and then shake hands with the standards chair.
Lucky Jo is much less medicated than her mother and sister, and she tends to think that’s a good thing. She's the newest full-time addition to the Grandex office, which is probably why they gave her the shittiest desk. In her free time she enjoys scaring small children, judging her peers, and condescendingly talking to GDIs at Starbucks. Follow her on twitter for cat memes and complaints. Email her at lucy@grandex.co.

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