Winter break is awesome. Big bed, free On Demand, dinner on the table, your dog, your eager ex-hookups — it’s the most wonderful time of the year. But before heading home for break, we must remember that the happiest people are the people who are grateful for what they have. And, therefore, it’s necessary to take advantage of the things at school that we hold near and dear to our hearts that just aren’t going to fly at home.
- Waking up at 12.
If your parents don’t wake you up at an ungodly hour (pre-10am) for some sort of family activity, do they even love you?
- Not leaving your bed at all.
In the real world, that’s not a hangover, that’s depression.
- Watching an entire seasons on Netflix in a span of one weekend.
Your parents will assume you’re going through a bad breakup, failing all your classes, or have turned into a hermit since they last saw you over the summer- some of which may be true, none of which you want to address over break
- Falling asleep while watching Netflix and awakening to the sound of your laptop crashing to the floor.
That was your Christmas present last year, and you “don’t know how to care for your things.”
- Taking your phone out at dinner.
That’s so rude and disrespectful and this is family time.
- Pregaming dinner.
“What do you mean you usually start drinking right after your classes?”
- Pregaming going out with your friends.
You don’t need to drink before you drink. “Things are actually more fun if you remember them.”
- Taking eight shots before you even leave the house.
“That is alcoholism.” (True, but don’t clip our wings, Mom.)
- Coming home and drunk eating.
That’s such a waste of food, and your mom just bought all those crackers and cheeses for her book club.
- Eating at non-breakfast, lunch, or dinner times.
“We’re just about to have dinner…why are you eating?”
- Texting through the entire day.
“Who do you need to be talking to that much?”
- Snapchatting throughout the day.
“You know, those things don’t actually disappear. Once they’re out there they can be found by anyone. I’m just saying you should be careful.”
- Mentioning your “grandbig” or “aunt.”
That’s bound to turn into mass confusion, and “your aunt did what?? She didn’t tell me that at Thanksgiving. Hm. Aunt Jane or Aunt Mary?” Ugh, neither, but it’s too late to explain now.
- Mentioning any story that you found funny.
“We’re cool parents but that’s not okay.” *Cue 30 minute lecture*
- Talking about any new clothing that you bought.
Cue the passive aggressive, “No wonder I had to deposit money into your account again.”
- Mentioning any of the food your drunken or hungover self bought.
“See, now this is why your bank account keeps falling below $100. I got an email from the bank again.”
- Trying to order drunk food.
There’s a 10% chance at best that your local pizza place in the suburbs delivers at 1 in the morning.
- Trying to go for brunch the next day in leggings and a baseball hat.
Unlike at school, that’s not a real outfit. If you wear this at home, you risk being confused for someone on your town’s 9-year-old little league team.
- Driving over the speed limit when your family’s in the car.
*Cue your mom’s human seatbelt*
- Pulling into the driveway going any speed over an actual turtle’s average pace.
“You’re so irresponsible. You don’t understand the responsibility of driving.”
- Wearing your letters out in public.
No one will understand. Everyone will judge. Or worse, assume that because your sorority has “Alpha” in it, you’re in the same sorority as their wife’s sister’s cousin.
- Wearing a shack shirt around the house.
“Where’d you get that? Whose is it? Pat? Pat who? I don’t get it — you’re not in Sigma Nu, where’d you get the shirt?”
- Wearing various shack shirts around the house.
“I’m not mad, I just don’t like seeing that.”
- Leaving Tinder lock screen notifications on in front of your mom.
She’ll be concerned about the direction of your love life (as she should be, but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her).
- Leaving Tinder lock screen notifications on in front of your dad.
He’ll be concerned about Internet safety (as he shouldn’t be, because you’ve stalked any matches on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn. This isn’t your first rodeo).
- Going to things hungover in the morning with last night’s hair and makeup.
It may fly in COMM 3000, but the smell of pineapple vodka in church is not a good look and definitely doesn’t go well with communion.
It’s the little things in life (college): Going to breakfast still drunk, in an outfit consisting of leggings and a shack shirt, and Tinder-ing away the days until it’s an acceptable time (read: whenever last night’s hungover passes) to start pregaming. None of the above are acceptable in the real world, so while you may be excited for the stockings hung with care and Mariah Carey on blast, don’t forget to make the most of these last couple weeks at school..