- Who *wins* on “The Bachelorette.”
I know it’s totally staged, and a horrible show, and cheesy as hell but also, fuck Jordan.
- And the fact that I don’t look like JoJo.
She’s too pretty to be that cool.
- If I don’t get at least 100 likes on an Instagram picture.
It’s fine. I get it. I’m literal human scum.
- Or if I get over 200.
What am I, a celebrity?
- What everyone else is wearing to an event.
If I show up in a dress, and everyone is wearing crops, I’ll leave. Seriously.
- Especially shoes.
I’d rather die than wear heels when everyone else is in wedges.
- What type of phone other people have.
“Oh. You have an Android?” *sneers*
- And what type of case they use.
No case? We got a daredevil over here.
- Whether or not you play Pokémon Go.
I’m not saying either is right. I’m just saying it’s important to know.
- Telling people I read the book after they said they liked the movie.
I know it’s annoying but seriously, the book is better.
- If I have more followers than the girl I hate.
It’s not a competition. But if it was, I would be winning.
- Whether or not they’re Harry Potter fans.
Get out of here, you muggles.
- And what house they would be sorted into.
Sorry, Slytherins, you can’t sit with me.
- Which side they stand on the whole Taylor Swift-Kardashian drama.
Does it really matter? No. But has that stopped me from refreshing their social medias constantly? Also no.
- What my high school boyfriend whom I haven’t spoken to in five years is up to.
And his mom. And his girlfriend. And his douchey friend who I sort of had a crush on but never acted on because I’m a good person.
- If people are having fun without me.
Guys?! Don’t you realize I’m not there? STOP LAUGHING AND BEING JOYFUL!
- If my boyfriend has fun without me.
Don’t you dare.
- If the other girl showing up on a double date is prettier than I am.
It’s not like it matters, but it sort of matters.
- Actually, if any girl anywhere is prettier than I am.
You have some nerve showing up here with your perfect skin and Pinterest-inspired outfit. Bitch.
- What everyone else is ordering before we actually order.
*Don’t say salad. Don’t say salad.* “Oh yeah! I was thinking of getting a salad too!”
- How many people watch my Snapchat all of the way through.
I know it’s like 100 seconds of me drinking wine but come on guys, stay with me.
- If I’m really the best he’s ever had.
Sexually. Romantically. Spiritually. It doesn’t matter, I just need to be the best.
- That exes/new girlfriends of every guy I’ve ever liked still exist in the world.
Can’t they just like, leave?
- If literally any driver does anything that is slightly annoying to me while I’m driving.
WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU HAVE YOUR BLINKERS ON, YOU PIECE OF — oh. You’re not turning. Got it.
- Who that girl is.
I don’t care if you haven’t seen her in years and you don’t know why she liked your IG picture — who is she?
- That that table’s food came out before ours, but we were here first.
No, it’s fine. I’m just withering away over there.
- If I’m going to die alone.
Jk. I think that one is pretty fair..
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