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28 Things That Would Make Giving A Blow Job Way Easier

Blow job

  1. A pill that turns semen into chocolate.
  2. And yes, it would be calorie-free chocolate because you earned it.
  3. A motivational theme song written and performed by Adam Levine mid blow jay.
  4. Listerine strips for his junk.
  5. Or just a general air freshener for his balls.
  6. A bomb-style timer. He has to get off before it goes off or no orgasm for him.
  7. Abs. You just magically get abs if you give head.
  8. A giant bullseye for him to aim his spray at. He can have disgusting, boy fun and you can avoid the usual “hey babe can you hand me a towel” conversation.
  9. But as soon as he sprays his future babies on it, he has to immediately wash it/throw it away/burn it because, gross.
  10. A flavored cream that temporarily shrinks his junk for an easy mouthful.
  11. And yes, it is safe to use recreationally. Like before he goes out for guys night.
  12. Or has a “study session” with the annoyingly pretty girl from his statistics class.
  13. Or anything that you’ll want him to have a tiny, unattractive penis for.
  14. The blow job being the equivalent of working out for an hour.
  15. And burning like 2,000 calories.
  16. The legal agreement that you’ll be allowed to use his (mom’s) Netflix password for the next year.
  17. Even if you break up.
  18. A shock collar. Every time he tries to do that annoying “let me just casually push your head down” thing he gets shocked.
  19. Or when he does that horrifying “wanna give me a roady” eyebrow raise in the car.
  20. Or just when he gets an inappropriate boner in general.
  21. An extremely mushy and over the top #WCW of you is posted to Instagram as soon as he comes.
  22. Convincing him that blow jobs are lame and the the new thing is to compliment your girlfriend on her cheekbones.
  23. A binding contract saying that he will adhere to proper grooming and hygiene practices at all times.
  24. A prize upon completion. Like a puppy.
  25. Or an engagement ring.
  26. Or an orgasm.
  27. Your boyfriend being Zac Efron.
  28. And if all else fails, the entire female population deciding that we will no longer suck dick. It’s one small suck for woman, but one giant suck for womankind. Together we can make a difference.Together we can avoid the internal debate: spit or swallow. Together, we can say no to blow jobs.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to: rachel@grandex.co

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