Whether or not you choose to admit it, throughout your college tenure you’ll find yourself amid the throws of passion with a guy who is just…gross. It was the tequila that got you here, but tequila isn’t the one spending its Friday night between a dirty twin bed and an ugly guy who used way too much tongue. You want to escape and FAST. My favorite ways to get out of a less than desirable situation are as follows. Be warned: they only work if you are never going to see him again.
1. “I love you.”
This is a good, conniving way to get out of the situation, and make him seem like the bad guy. It’s also a good way to make you seem psychotic, which is fine because we all are. As soon as you realize this boy does not know his way around a vagina, stop what you’re doing, look into his eyes, and lay those three horrifying words on him: “I love you.” Seriously, do it. If that alone doesn’t make him sprint for the exit, then start demanding reciprocation. “Don’t you love me too? Why don’t you love me? I already told my mom about you! Do you want to see my Pinterest wedding board?” Hopefully he’ll be filing for a restraining order at this point, but if not, you can just pretend to be “mad” he didn’t say it back, and angrily storm out, as if heart-broken.
2. Fake Blackout
As long as you’re able to stay in character (really drunk girl) for awhile, faking a blackout/pass-out combination shouldn’t be too hard. Once things start getting hot (like his breath) and heavy (like his bulbous beer belly on top of you), just stop and do nothing. Literally just stop everything and lay there. Stop moving, stop participating, stop trying to use these thirty minutes to teach him how to kiss when no one in the last eighteen years has been successful in doing so. Just stop. Take a little nap IN THE MIDDLE of the hookup. Your goal here is to appear borderline dead. Hopefully, he will assume you passed out, and follow suit. Some guys, however, are persistent, in which case, awaken from your false slumber, sprint to the bathroom, and pretend to throw up.
3. Play the Virgin Card
With a terrifying level of Taylor Swift-like clinginess, you are about to become this boy’s worst nightmare: a virgin (unless he’s like weirdly Christian, or something, in which case, he probably wouldn’t be trying to have sex with you anyway). Right as things are unraveling, pull a Gloria Cleary and tell him you “always knew your first time would be on a
beach dirty futon.” Foolproof. He might try to pretend he didn’t hear you. To make it believable, start giving him the worst handy you can muster. It should get you kicked out of there pretty quickly.
Worst case scenario, none of these work, and I guess you’ll just have to pee on him. Good luck.