1. The walk back to his place.
How much further? Stop holding my hand. When did I become your girlfriend? So weird.
2. When he tells you to “wait here.”
No, that’s fine. Don’t bother hiding the Lubriderm, drug paraphernalia, porn, or thong hanging on your wall.
3. His lofted bed and the 3 feet of space between the mattress and ceiling.
Missionary it is. Or are we going to get creative?
4. When he doesn’t know how to take off your clothes.
Here, allow me.
5. When he skips foreplay.
Ugh. Screw it.
6. When you start to feel his hands gently pushing down on your shoulders and head.
7. When he tells you he doesn’t have a condom.
I know there is a condom somewhere in this house full of men. Why do you people continue to do this to me?
8. When he asks you to experiment.
You want me to do what? I’m not drunk enough for this.
9. When you’re not drunk enough.
Do you have any alcohol I could borrow?
10. “Accidental” Anal (It doesn’t just happen).
Wrong hole kiddo.
11. When he forgets to lock the door and his drunken pledge brothers’ barge into the room.
Oh hey guys. Please just disregard my naked body under this blanket.
12. The awkward pause in between when you wake up, and morning sex.
Am I supposed to just lay here with my back turned to you or…oh okay, creeping hand on my boob.
13. When he wakes up before you do.
Where did he go?
14. Any morning after you black out.
Are my walls covered in beer posters and naked girls? No. Am I naked? Yes. Who is lying next to me? Undetermined.
15. When you can’t remember what you did with him.
Did you? Was I? Did we? Oh…
16. When you realize he is laying on an article of your clothing.
Excuse me while I try to gently pull this out from under you without saying a word.
17. When you can’t find your underwear in the morning.
I’ll buy new ones. Get me out of here.
18. When you can tell he doesn’t want to lend you his clothes.
I wore a dress last night. It’s Friday morning. Give me your crewneck. Now.
19. When you wake up and your phone is dead.
20. When he asks you for your phone number.
My phone is broken. See look, it won’t turn on.
21. When you are walking out of the fraternity house the next morning and see a girlfriend passing by.
I can feel you judging me. I am a dirty, dirty whore.
22. When he drives you home the next morning.
You can just drop me off here.
23. When you receive an all-house email from standards telling those of us coming home dressed in “shacker clothes” to use the back door from now on.
24. Looking at your phone and realizing that you were the one who initiated it.
“whre are youh” …..“mert me aftt close”….. “lets fuxk” …..“sexy time?”
25. When your sisters ask where you slept that night.
In a bed.
26. Looking at his Facebook the next day.
Oh thank goodness OR Maybe it’s possible he became exponentially more good-looking from the time all of these photos were taken to last night.
27. Realizing he is in your lecture that meets 3 times a week.
Is attendance part of my grade?
28. The next time you see him.
Shots please. Lots and lots of shots.
29. Seeing him later at the bar and knowing he thinks it will happen again.
That one girl over there has been staring at you all night.
30. When you text him a couple weeks later and tell him you are late.