I hate getting my hair done. I mean, I like having nicer hair and stuff, but the actual process? No thank you. From the obscene prices, awkward tipping scenarios, and being essentially left to die under one of those scary rocket ship dryers, the experience is far from pleasant. But all of this pales in comparison to the worst part of getting your hair done: talking to the hairdresser. Now, I’m sure she (or he) is a nice enough person, but my God. Most of them yak your ear off with awkward small talk and in the process, proceed to passive aggressively throw shade at your hair, you, and all your life choices to date. Below, just a sample of the humiliation that I and others have had to endure:
- “So, do you like your hair like this? Or….?”
- “We definitely need to do highlights.”
- “You cut your own hair last time? You are too funny!” (Note: I was going through a particularly rough breakup and actually thought the stereotypical rom-com thing of “sad girl cuts hair, life changes” would work. Surprisingly, it did not.)
- “Do you have a boyfriend now?”
- “Well, are you dating, at least?”
- “My boyfriend’s friend is actually a really nice guy if you’re into that. Want me to set you up?”
- “You’re majoring in psychology? What are you going to do with that?”
- “My cousin majored in psychology and he couldn’t find a job out of school, so just be careful.”
- “Actually, I should give you his number because he’s single, too!’
- “Now, I know you brought in a picture of Jennifer Lawrence, but I just don’t think that look works for you.”
- “See how she has all these layers? Your hair is a little too frizzy for that.”
- “And her color is a little too blonde for your skin tone. You’re just a little too pale.”
- “Well, I’ll try my best but it’s not gonna really look the same.”
- “Do you want to add the gloss treatment? It’s an extra $25 but it would finally give your hair that nice shine.”
- “I know you said an inch off the bottom, but I’m seeing a little more damage than I thought.”
- “I think that maybe bangs aren’t your best option.”
- “You know this hair color requires a lot of upkeep, right?…”
- “…Do you think you can handle that?
- “There’s just a lot going on here.”
- “Did you spray something on your hair before? Like an oil or gel or something?”
- “If you use the same old products you’re always going to get the same old result, you know?”
- “Do you like, not want to do dating apps or anything?”
- “You should put some new pictures of you with your new hair on them!”
- “Or maybe you should go out tonight with your new hair and maybe you’ll meet a guy!”
- “My boyfriend’s cousin is a club promoter I should give him your number.”
- “Ok, almost done here but I think we’re gonna need to do another shampoo on you.”
- “Probably do a deep conditioner too, just to be safe.”
- “You’re hair is drying so fast because it’s so damaged.”
- “You wanted the face framing layers? Are you sure?”
- “They’ll just bring a lot of attention to your face and not everyone is comfortable with that.”
- “Whew, done! So much better than before, right?”
Nice Move847
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