- Know your own self worth.
“Awww, thanks Grandma!”
- But you won’t catch a husband wearing sweats to class.
There’s a reason her wardrobe is back in style.
- Flower prints are always in style.
Florals for spring? Groundbreaking.
- The higher the hair, the closer to God.
Messy buns don’t count.
- Catching a husband should not be your main priority.
She didn’t raise the glass ceiling for your MRS degree.
- She survived a war, you’ll survive human anatomy.
You’ll seriously live.
- Open your heart to love.
- But still guard your heart.
- Play the field.
Grandpa was not her first.
- Bring back casual dating.
It’s either hookups or relationships these days.
- Gotta flirt to stay in practice.
Grandmas have no shame.
- Learn to cook something that isn’t pasta.
If you burn it, wash it down with wine. All the wine.
- Cleanliness is next to godliness.
Invest in a damn vacuum.
- When doing laundry, separate the lights from the darks.
Especially the reds from the whites.
- Irons still exist.
My standards for adulating are pretty low.
- If you wouldn’t put it in a photo album, don’t put it on social media.
Your grandkids don’t need to see you dancing on the bar.
- Have you eaten today?
No, a smoothie doesn’t count.
- Chew with your mouth closed.
You’re not an animal.
- If you can’t pronounce the ingredients, don’t eat it.
What the hell is Thiamin Mononitrate??
- Don’t skip dessert.
Relax, one cookie won’t ruin your diet.
- Have wine with dinner.
This makes you look classy while your life is in shambles.
- But drink your coffee black.
Do I look like a little bitch to you?
- Always bring a jacket.
You know that restaurant is cold.
- There’s no shame in budgeting.
Clip those coupons, bitch.
- If it’s broke, you can probably fix it.
That’s what duct tape is for.
- Find a hobby.
Other than partying.
- Learn how to actually dance.
Ass up, face down isn’t a thing at weddings.
- Things have a way of working out.
“Your father was a little shit, but he turned out alright”
- Everyone needs their girls’ night.
“Did you hear what Karen did?”
- And you also need “me time.”
Everyone needs some goddamn peace and quiet.
- And most importantly…How to throw shade.
Bless her heart..
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