31 Things Your Grandma (Probably) Taught You


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Nice Move


  1. Know your own self worth.
    “Awww, thanks Grandma!”
  2. But you won’t catch a husband wearing sweats to class.
    There’s a reason her wardrobe is back in style.
  3. Flower prints are always in style.
    Florals for spring? Groundbreaking.
  4. The higher the hair, the closer to God.
    Messy buns don’t count.
  5. Catching a husband should not be your main priority.
    She didn’t raise the glass ceiling for your MRS degree.
  6. She survived a war, you’ll survive human anatomy.
    You’ll seriously live.
  7. Open your heart to love.
    *Downloads Tinder*
  8. But still guard your heart.
    So….no Tinder?
  9. Play the field.
    Grandpa was not her first.
  10. Bring back casual dating.
    It’s either hookups or relationships these days.
  11. Gotta flirt to stay in practice.
    Grandmas have no shame.
  12. Learn to cook something that isn’t pasta.
    If you burn it, wash it down with wine. All the wine.
  13. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
    Invest in a damn vacuum.
  14. When doing laundry, separate the lights from the darks.
    Especially the reds from the whites.
  15. Irons still exist.
    My standards for adulating are pretty low.
  16. If you wouldn’t put it in a photo album, don’t put it on social media.
    Your grandkids don’t need to see you dancing on the bar.
  17. Have you eaten today?
    No, a smoothie doesn’t count.
  18. Chew with your mouth closed.
    You’re not an animal.
  19. If you can’t pronounce the ingredients, don’t eat it.
    What the hell is Thiamin Mononitrate??
  20. Don’t skip dessert.
    Relax, one cookie won’t ruin your diet.
  21. Have wine with dinner.
    This makes you look classy while your life is in shambles.
  22. But drink your coffee black.
    Do I look like a little bitch to you?
  23. Always bring a jacket.
    You know that restaurant is cold.
  24. There’s no shame in budgeting.
    Clip those coupons, bitch.
  25. If it’s broke, you can probably fix it.
    That’s what duct tape is for.
  26. Find a hobby.
    Other than partying.
  27. Learn how to actually dance.
    Ass up, face down isn’t a thing at weddings.
  28. Things have a way of working out.
    “Your father was a little shit, but he turned out alright”
  29. Everyone needs their girls’ night.
    “Did you hear what Karen did?”
  30. And you also need “me time.”
    Everyone needs some goddamn peace and quiet.
  31. And most importantly…How to throw shade.
    Bless her heart.


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