I hate The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. When my roommates are watching it though, I can’t help but watch the madness ensue. I will never understand why anyone in their right mind would be on the show, but because I’ll do anything for attention, I think I would do some crazy things if I was on the next season of The Bachelor.

1. Instead of a limo, roll up in a hearse with a banner on the side that says “I’ve Been Dying To Meet You.”
2. As soon as I get out, say “Where’s the bathroom? I gotta piss so bad I might give myself a UTI.”
3. Wear a wig and go on a one-on-one date pretending to be another girl.
4. Never stop smiling, but also spend at least three hours a day uncontrollably sobbing.
5. Instead of kissing, insist on uninterrupted eye contact.
6. Tell him I’m not there for the right reasons.
7. I am there for one reason.
8. His dick.
9. Start four sentences before ever finishing one.
10. Show up to rose ceremonies dressed as a streetwalker.
11. But otherwise dress like a humble bag lady.
12. Open up to him about my heartbreaking addiction to buttchugging.
13. Accidentally give Chris Harrison half of a heartfelt speech about how much I love him before I realize he isn’t The Bachelor.
14. Then proceed to give the rest of the speech to The Bachelor.
15. Have a fake ex-boyfriend come to the house and fight The Bachelor.
16. Or at least challenge him to a dance-off.
17. During interviews, speak with oddly expressive eyebrows.
18. Pick a fight with another girl that ends with me dangling her over a balcony.
19. Try to hook up with another girl on the show.
20. Tell The Bachelor that she came on to you and that she should be sent home.
21. Refer to my pet cat as my current husband.
22. Refuse to go on group dates because it’s against my religion.
23. Accept every rose with a “HELL FUCKIN YEAH!!!”
24. Belch like a drunk uncle.
25. Make up a rap about why I am superior to the other bitches and perform in front of everyone.
26. Constantly share symptoms of my IBS in excruciating detail.
27. Turn down a one-on-one date because I’m on my period.
28. Overly insist that I’m really a human and make people feel my skin for proof.
29. Speak in a different accent for the first week and a half, then speak regularly for the rest of the season without ever acknowledging the difference.
30. Blackout and streak through the house.
31. Talk about my life ambitions beyond being a trophy wife and mom.
32. Say no to the proposal.

ABC, hmu. Your ratings are about to be through the roof..

Image via Shutterstock

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Ali Hin

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to [email protected] or by smoke signal.

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