Babies are awesome. They’re miniature little people who grow up to break hearts and steal boyfriends. With their tiny hands and how-are-they-so-soft cheeks, most babies send any and all females in their vicinity into a frenzy of “awwwws” “can I hold hers” and general ovary explosions. And then. Well. There are the rest of us. The few people with hearts so cold, faces so bitchy, and gag reflexes so fine-tuned that babies do literally nothing to our insides. Instead of scrambling to pick a toddler up, we’re running the other way, popping a BC pill and counting the days since we had our periods.

It’s not that I don’t understand the obsession with babies. It’s just that, well, I hate them. And while I get that they look so cute in tiny jeans and little shoes, there are a whole bunch of downsides to having, knowing, or even being around one of these pruney vagina bullets.

1. They’re horrible at small talk.
   It’s like having a conversion with a drunk version of myself.
2. And everyone thinks everything they say is just *genius.*
   I can babble like that too. Just listen to me after too much vodka and ten minutes spent stalking my ex.
3. They smell.
   Even I have better hygiene. 
4. And hello? They’re sticky AF.
   Can they just come with some hand sanitizer or something?
5. If you think I’m high-maintenance, try dating a baby (I mean that figuratively. I don’t mean literally go date a baby because that’s illegal in most places besides like, Alabama).
   The mood changes. The crying. The constant hunger and need for attention. Chill out, babies.
6. Because yes, they hog literally all of the attention.
   Yeah. Cute kid. Now can we go back to talking about me please?
7. And they never want you to have fun.
   Oh, you can’t drink, can’t go out, can’t use your vagina? Cool. Sounds fun. 
8. They make your vagina uglier than it already is.
   The horror stories about rips are enough to make me swear off sex forever. 
9. And let’s not talk about your tits.
   So long, perky friends. ‘Twas fun while it lasted. 
10. They’re assholes.
    Yes, please keep screaming all night. I’m not fond of sleep or anything. 
11. And if they’re not already assholes, they’ll grow up to be assholes.
    Have you met my ex? Pretty sure he was a baby once. 
12. You won’t necessarily get a cute one.
    I know you think you’ll have a looker, but some of them have gross faces. Or weird heads. Or are ginger.
13. And if it’s an ugly one, no one will admit it to you.
    “Oh it’s so…interesting looking!”
14. Plus, they might grow up to be ugly.
    You know all of the ugly people in the world? They used to be babies.
15. Or have actual problems.
    Can’t I just have one that’s like, really pretty, and nice, and funny, and smart, and successful? Please? 
16. If you don’t like it, you still have to keep it.
    There’s no returning it to Amazon because it wasn’t what you thought you ordered.
17. They can’t do any of the things I like to do.
    Oh, you can’t drink? Or go on rides at amusement parks? Or judge people? So like…what? We just look at each other?
18. And they can just smell the fear on you.
    “Oh no I don’t need to hold your baby…oh, okay. Fine I will anyway.” *Baby immediately starts crying.*
19. Everybody hates you at restaurants.
    Good luck trying to get that extra bread basket with a baby back bitch next to you.
20. And they’re just like an instant guy repellent.
    It doesn’t matter if it’s not yours. If you’re near it, guys will stay far, far away from you.
21.  Stretch marks.
    Yeah, let’s add some more angry red lines to all of the ones that already exist on my body, thx.
22. They’re expensive.
    I don’t even have enough money for my life, let alone the life of an Instagram-worthy baby.
23. And they’re pretty scary.
    It’s a tiny human. How am I expected to keep a tiny human alive when I keep killing my Bonsai trees?
24. They become your whole life.
    And not just until they’re 18. Until forever.
25. I seriously have no idea how to properly hold one.
    Wait so I support the neck? What do I do with my arm? Do I look dumb? Am I hurting it? Can someone just put me out of my misery?
26. They pee everywhere.
    The one time I drunkenly wet the bed it was the end of the world. THE ONE TIME. 
27. And they shit their pants. All. Of. The. Time.
    And worse than that, *you* have to clean it up.
28. You can’t just toss them in a kennel and leave for the afternoon like you do with your dog.
    So what? I have to like, bring it with me? 
29. Everyone knows you have one.
    Seriously, you can’t pull a fast one and just be like, “oh this infant? Nah never met her.”
30. Having a baby means that you’re a mom.
    Which also means you’re not just some drunk college girl looking to hook up with her ex’s friend at the bar. 
31. If you’re not a ~trendy~ mom what even is the point?
    If my baby doesn’t get at least 200 likes per picture we’re going to have a problem. 
32. They brainwash everyone.
    No matter how much I hate babies, I know that the second I get pregnant I’ll turn into yet another baby-loving, onsie buying, making my kid my profile picture, monster. 

Here’s to popping two birth control pills tonight..

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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