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33 Thoughts You Had The First Time You Saw A Penis

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  1. What shape would you consider that? It can’t be an oval because it’s kind of curved.
  2. Look at all those veins.
  3. Wait, am I supposed to keep staring or should I look away?
  4. Is looking away considered rude?
  5. It’s staring at me, so I’m just going to stare back.
  6. How do they walk with that thing dangling around?
  7. I wonder how heavy it is.
  8. Is it always pointing that way?
  9. I bet it feels like a stress ball. Squishy, yet hard.
  10. Whoa. I don’t know how I feel about this awkward amount of pubes.
  11. Like, are they supposed to be bald, have stubble, or bush? What are the rules on manscaping?
  12. I expected it to be a lot paler.
  13. Like, do guys tan their dicks or what?
  14. How many inches is that so I know what to tell my friends?
  15. It’s kind of wrinkly like an old person.
  16. Even though the skin is so stretched out. How does it do that?
  17. So you’re telling me that the balls are attached and not separate???
  18. I’m going to need a moment to comprehend this.
  19. How is this supposed to fit inside of a vagina?
  20. Or my mouth?
  21. I’m scared I’ll break it.
  22. Does Lance Armstrong have a micropenis? I mean, how else would he be able to ride his bike?
  23. OMG IT IS MOVING.
  24. THE ALIEN ANIMAL THING MOVES.
  25. AND IT IS GROWING.
  26. ONLY EVIL MONSTERS GROW THAT QUICKLY.
  27. How the hell is there even any skin left to stretch?!
  28. Did I wake it up or something?
  29. Is this when I touch it now?
  30. What am I supposed to do with it?
  31. Whip it back and forth?
  32. Lil Wayne had it wrong. It looks nothing like a lollipop.
  33. This is so not what I signed up for.

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Kellie Stritz

Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.

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