34 Places That Don’t Serve Alcohol, But Should


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Nice Move


  1. Kids’ soccer games.
    Adult sports sell them. Gotta prepare them for the real world.
  2. Mini golf.
    Really any place involving children.
  3. Playgrounds and parks.
    Especially screaming children.
  4. Chuck E Cheese.
    This might as well just be Dave & Busters.
  5. Anywhere with go-karts.
    The legal way to drink and drive.
  6. The zoo
    Shots for Harambee.
  7. Your university’s financial aid office.
    Just add it to my tab.
  8. Three-Hour lecture classes.
    Can someone send me their notes?
  9. Chapter.
    This could’ve been an email.
  10. Philanthropy events.
    Can I just write a check?
  11. Recruitment.
    Anything to distract from my aching feet.
  12. Work.
    We can’t all be bartenders.
  13. The gym.
    Lifting my glass to my mouth counts as an arm workout, right?
  14. Grocery stores.
    Because some don’t?
  15. Fast food restaurants.
    For the classy bitch who likes a nice champagne with her nuggets.
  16. Starbucks.
    I’d like some Bailey’s with my Pumpkin Spice Latte.
  17. The laundromat.
    Chores are hard.
  18. Hospitals.
    Take a shot when something reminds you of Grey’s.
  19. The doctor’s office.
    Gonna have to break the seal to pee in a cup, anyway.
  20. The dentist’s office.
    AKA the doctor’s annoying cousin.
  21. The gynecologist.
    “And the results of your STD test are…”
  22. Hair salons.
    I said a trim, but sure, six inches is fine.
  23. Nail salons.
    Please tell me how much my nail beds suck.
  24. Victoria’s Secret.
    Could really use some beer goggles in this fitting room.
  25. Clothing stores.
    Didn’t have a body complex until now.
  26. Sephora.
    A place where they’re paid to tell you you’re ugly.
  27. Target.
    But like, bar style.
  28. Michael’s.
    I’m not painting 10+ canvases sober.
  29. Museums
    Cheers to famous dead people.
  30. Movie theaters.
    A nice Chardonnay pairs well with popcorn.
  31. Car rides where you don’t control the music.
    I love the sound of banjos for seven hours.
  32. Family reunions.
    Wow, Aunt Judy, you can’t even tell those aren’t your real teeth!
  33. All weddings.
    I’m only going for the open bar.
  34. Funeral homes.
    Well, this took a dark turn.


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