Breaking up is hard to do. It’s sad and it’s painful and blah blah blah we get it. Sometimes, however, breaking up is awesome. Maybe he cheated on you. Maybe he wanted to cheat on you. Maybe he was mean and slimy and tricked you into thinking he was a good guy when he was actually a fuckboy. Whatever it was, he was the worst, and you are o-v-e-r- it. So, I’ve decided to compile the best worst ways to dump someone. No, they’re not nice. Or PC. Or mature in any way. But hey, if he screwed you over like that, neither was he.
- Now. Right after he gave you that very sparkly, very expensive Christmas present.
- Or wait until Valentine’s Day. Either will do.
- Over text message.
- Or better yet, every time he tries to text you, just respond with:
Error code:354217 This
AT&T User Is No Longer
- Take him to his favorite restaurant, order his favorite dish, gaze into his eyes and say “your penis grosses me out.”
- And leave him with the check, of course.
- Burn a “breakup mix” for him (yes, bringing the burned CDs back) and write a note saying “this is how I feel about you.”
- During intercourse.
- Before intercourse, but after he goes down on you.
- Remember his best friend? The hot one? Yeah. Use him.
- And maybe Snapchat it? It’s up to you. I don’t know your life.
- Wrap up all of the stuff he’s left at your place. Give it to him for his birthday. When he gets confused (as they do), tell him his present is an amicable breakup.
- As you’re about to give him a beej.
- As a #MCM. You know. Man Crushed Monday?
- Pull a high school and change your relationship status to “single” without discussing it with him.
- Double points if you make a status update (do they still call it that?) about the whole situation.
- Wait until he proposes. Just to ruin his life as much as possible.
- But don’t give the ring back unless he asks. And even then, still don’t.
- Invite all of his exes over. Take a Snapchat of all of you together. Send it to him saying that you’ve chosen to be “one of them.”
- Write him a song. If it’s good enough for Taylor Swift, it’s good enough for you.
- Pass him a note in class.
- Yell it at him across the room in class.
- Organize a song and dance with the entire class, outlining your miserable relationship and perform it when he shows up for class.
- Get a group of sisters, and serenade his chapter with all of the shitty things he did to you.
- Write it on a cake.
- Make a photo album of all of the great times you had together, but paste Zac Efron’s face over his.
- Get down on one knee. Propose that he get his track-marked boxers out of your apartment immediately.
- Spell it out in PostIt notes all over his car.
- Bribe his barista to write “_____’s breaking up with you” on his cup.
- Pretend you have amnesia and “forget” who he is.
- And when he tries to make you fall in love with him again, tell him you’re not into dudes.
- Remember all of those dick pics he sent you? Blackmail. Turn them into blackmail.
- What? It’s his fault he sent you forty-five different angles of his subpar penis. Now you’re actually glad you have them!
- Right after his team wins.
- Right after his team loses.
- Write down your love story. Turn it into a bestselling novel. Make a killing. Get a movie deal. Casually forget to change his name in the blockbuster film. Become famous, marry a Hemsworth, and mention that your ex hung slightly to the right during a press conference.
- Block him on social media, move on, and never take his calls (read: late-night texts) again.
You know what they say, the best revenge is being a total bitch and ripping his heart out. Or something like that..