37 Things That Every Girl Who’s Always Late Can Relate To


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37 Things That Every Girl Who's Always Late Can Relate To

I’m always late. And a lot of people say they’re always late, but I go beyond fashionably late and enter into the territory of obnoxiously late. The company I work for holds a Christmas party every year. I’ve been to four of them so far, and have been an hour late to every single one. I can’t help it. It’s not that I don’t want to be on time. I do. I just…I don’t know what happens. I can’t. And everyone else who’s always late? They can’t either.

  1. Every time you get ready for anything, you promise yourself that this is going to be your moment. You’ll finally prove to the haters that you can get your shit together and arrive when you say you’re going to arrive.
  2. And you really do believe it every time, because you never fucking learn.
  3. But you never are.
  4. When someone else says they’re always late, you almost don’t believe them.
  5. Because let’s be real, five minutes late is basically early.
  6. You sit in silence when people talk about how much they hate waiting for people.
  7. People who rush stress you out. Like the bar is still going to be there in ten minutes.
  8. No matter how many hours you’ve allotted yourself to get ready for an event, it’s never enough. Like, it’s seriously a creepy force of the universe that you will use every last minute possible and then some
  9. You have no fewer than three alarms set, and probably hit snooze for an hour or more every morning.
  10. Ten minutes to get ready? You’ll take fifteen, because you wrongly thought that was time enough to do add a contour, lashes, and dry shampoo your hair.
  11. Thirty minutes to get ready, you take 45, because you wrongly thought you had time to shower.
  12. Three hours to get ready? You honestly take three and a half.
  13. What the fuck were you even doing in that time? If someone gave you a million dollars to answer that question, you couldn’t.
  14. You know you dawdled with dinner and then thought it was an opportune time to tweeze every single hair out of your entire body, but other than that?
  15. You overvalue the importance of “naked time” after the shower. You know, that time when you just sit around and do absolutely nothing but enjoy your own nakedness for no reason at all.
  16. You literally forget about the concept of travel time. If you need to be someplace at 8, you call an Uber at 8:05, and you’re like “Five minutes late, no big deal.”
  17. Except it doesn’t arrive until 8:15, at which time, you need to look for your keys, put on your shoes, and complete the finishing touches on your makeup.
  18. And then you get mad when the driver doesn’t drive like Death is chasing him.
  19. Your friends have started lying to you about what time you need to arrive places.
  20. You’re always late to the fake time and sometimes late to the real time.
  21. And you blame them for your lateness if they don’t lie to you about what time to arrive.
  22. You expect to be endlessly praised if you arrive somewhere less than 20 minutes late.
  23. “It’s 9:14. That rounds down to 9:10, and ten minutes late is on time.”
  24. You hate people who are early, and truly believe they are just as rude as the late people.
  25. Like, oh, okay. Now I’m supposed to feel bad that you waited for fifteen minutes, when really you should have only been waiting for six? Fuck you.
  26. As long as more than one person is meeting up with you, you don’t even feel guilty if you’re going to be late, because they have each other.
  27. Plus, they should expect this of you.
  28. On one or more occasions, there have been bets on how late you’d arrive somewhere.
  29. You’ve literally never been on time to see the previews.
  30. “Hey, yeah, it’s fine. Just start without me.”
  31. “I’m leaving in ten minutes,” means you just plugged the straightener in and you’re not dressed yet.
  32. “I’m on my way,” means you think you’re leaving in ten minutes.
  33. “Okay, I lied before. Now I’m actually on my way,” means you’re waiting on an Uber.
  34. You consider making up excuses for your lateness, but your friends won’t believe you anyway.
  35. When you finally show up, you put on a big show like you were stressed out getting there.
  36. But really you’re just like “better late than pregnant.”
  37. At the end of the day, you take everyone’s frustration as a compliment, because like the party don’t start til you walk in.
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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