1. They let you know exactly how they feel.
2. And you can tell when they feel really, really happy to see you.
3. Who needs a pet dog when you can have a pet penis?
4. In fact, I’m pretty sure they like being petted even more than dogs do.
5. How clean they are right out of the shower.
6. Actually, just when they’re in the shower. The somehow get sweaty immediately upon leaving the water.
7. Playing with them. Something about that ball skin is just so alluring.
8. And have you ever felt how soft they are?
9. To hell with a baby’s bottom. A dick is the softest thing you’ll ever feel. EVER.
10. Each one is so different.
11. It’s like being Nancy Drew and solving the mystery of “What’s below the belt?”
12. Sometimes you come face-to-face with a shower, and you immediately feel #blessed.
13. But other times you think you have a bite-sized, and then all of a sudden – WHOA it’s a grower!
14. Even the small ones make you appreciate, you know, the guy’s personality.
15. The fact that Jon Hamm’s exists.
16. If there’s a fire, a penis is a ready-made firehose.
17. And trust me, he’ll pee on that fire.
18. They make you feel better about yourself.
19. And paying attention to a penis will 100 percent result in flowers, love, or at least a solid high-five.
20. Have you seen one in boxer briefs?
21. It’s without a doubt the most beautiful sight in the world.
22. We love it when they get a grooming.
23. And we have total respect for a penis with a haircut.
24. It’s the one thing guys feel weird about.
25. And hey, if they piss us off, we can always say that have a small dick.
26. Or a pencil dick.
27. Or a weird shaped dick. Sorry, guys.
28. We like folding, pulling, and tugging on them because they’re SO weird.
29. In the best way possible.
30. We love that they love us.
31. And boy, do they LOVE us.
32. A casual brush against one can make a guy stop in his tracks.
33. And we love how paying attention to it can end basically any fight.
34. A guy we like is usually attached to the penis.
35. And we really love it when they’re circumcised.
36. Our favorite is when they aren’t in or around our mouths.
37. But most of all, we love love love the fact that we don’t have them..

Image via Shutterstock

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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