38 Thoughts You Have While Internet Stalking Your Enemy


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Whether it’s your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend or a girl from your rival sorority, there’s almost always another female out there in the world somewhere that you just love to hate. It doesn’t matter whether she got into a physical Mean Girls-style catfight with you or if you’ve never even met, you have every right to hate her. As sworn enemies, it is your right – nay, your duty – to occasionally get a little more tipsy than you probably should and stalk the shit out of her on social media. The following is a timeline of the process of hate-stalking your nemesis which may or may not be based on true events (just kidding, this totally happened).

  1. Pour yourself a glass of wine and open your browser just like any other night.
  2. For whatever reason, her name pops into your head. Your enemy. You type her name into the Facebook search bar. It’s just some harmless observation.
  3. Relationship status: single. Hah. Of course it is.
  4. Did she lose weight? Is she skinnier than I am?
  5. She can’t be skinnier than I am. I wonder if she Facetunes her photos? I bet she does.
  6. *27 minutes and 49 pictures later* She definitely uses Facetune.
  7. Did you think I wouldn’t catch that the brick wall you’re posing in front of mysteriously becomes wavy at your waist? Bitch, please. Screenshot.
  8. Everyone I know needs to see this screenshot. Girls’ group text, get ready.
  9. I mean, sure, they don’t know her, but at least they’ll definitely say nasty things about her to make me feel better. After all, what are friends for?
  10. Time to check out the tagged photos. Let’s use that left arrow to see her oldest (and hopefully ugliest) uploaded photo.
  11. You’d think that if you had Facebook in 8th grade, that you’d have enough sense to make those pictures private. Braces selfies are always a good look.
  12. Let’s just save those to my hard drive in case they ever get deleted. We’ll call it insurance.
  13. Where did my wine go? Time for another healthy pour.
  14. That’s enough Facebook. The good stuff never ends up there anyway. Time for Twitter.
  15. How many times does this girl retweet “White Girl” accounts? Come on. I need something good.
  16. Scrolling fooooorrreeeevvveeerrrrrr.
  17. Hahaha, she thinks she’s being self-deprecatingly “funny” here. Let’s give that a like. Not passive aggressive at all.
  18. Ok, so that tweet was from 2014. My bad.
  19. When did I run out of wine? Thank God I have another bottle. Not even going to bother putting the corkscrew away this time.
  20. She already knows I’m stalking her thanks to that Twitter like. Might as well check her LinkedIn.
  21. How’s that part-time job working out for you? According to the search I just did on Glassdoor for your salary, you’re more poor than I am. Loser.
  22. Aw, she doesn’t really have many endorsements. Here’s one. I think I’ll endorse her for being a manipulative boyfriend-stealer. Done!
  23. Onto the next one. Instagram stories, here I come.
  24. Literally no one cares about anything you ate today. Learn how to use social media please.
  25. Why are there so many selfies? If you’re going to take selfies, shouldn’t you at least do your eyebrows first? Have some self-respect. Or not. It’s more fun to stalk you this way.
  26. Should I Zillow her parents’ house? I should Zillow her parents’ house.
  27. Just going to do a quick reverse phone number search, and bam! Address.
  28. Should I be a detective? I should totally be a detective. Who needs school? My parents will totally let me drop out.
  29. Ugh, so apparently private detectives don’t actually make that much money. Thanks for ruining my dreams, Glassdoor. I guess I still have to marry rich after all.
  30. Okay, I’ve gotten way too distracted. Gotta get back to social media. Need to check Facebook and make sure none of my friends are engaged. Again.
  31. Why do I have so many notifications? I mean, I can’t help it I’m so popular, but I didn’t know I was this popular.
  32. Why is my status her name? WHY IS MY STATUS HER NAME?!?!?!
  33. Delete. Delete delete delete.
  34. Great, I just spent my Friday night ruining my reputation AND my future career as a private detective. And I’ve been crying for 15 minutes now.
  35. Mental note: make sure to buy waterproof mascara for the next time you decide to drink two bottles of red wine and hate stalk your enemy.
  36. I wonder if I lost any water weight from crying so much. I definitely lost three pounds. I can find the silver lining in anything.
  37. Ok, I’ve stalked all I need to. Her life definitely isn’t better than mine, or at least she wears cheaper makeup than I do, so it looks worse on social media. I can live my life in peace now. You’re free. I don’t have to stalk you ever again.
  38. *Repeat at least once a week until the end of time.*
RecruitmentChairTSM (@TheRecruitChair) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. This current grad student and ex-sorority girl survives solely on Diet Coke and the tears of the pledges she personally victimized. She's a Monica, a Marnie, a Miranda, and a Regina. Her favorite hobbies include drinking $14 bottles of wine and binge-watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy until she cries. You can send her annoying e-mails at RecruitChairTSM@gmail.com

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