39 Thoughts You Have In A Tanning Bed


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Nice Move


Going to a tanning bed is a personal choice and a unique experience. Aside from all the employees trying to sell thirty billion kinds of lotions, it can be a pretty zen experience once you’re in there. But with all that chill comes a lot of random thoughts.

  1. Ugh, it’s so cold in here, I don’t want to take all my clothes off.
  2. Why do these doors never have locks? The literal purpose of this whole place is that I get naked and crawl inside a giant sun-coffin.
  3. Seriously, what is the protocol if someone walks in on you?
  4. That lady cleaned this bed, right?
  5. I once read an article where this woman got herpes from a dirty tanning bed. But that was in like a sketchy place, this place is… alright.
  6. Why was there a guy in line out there? Do guys in real life even go tanning? I thought that was just a “Jersey Shore” thing?
  7. Do they tan naked too? What if they burn their junk?
  8. Do they wear, like, a sock over their dick? No way, then they’d be tan with a white peen. LOL.
  9. I wish I could tan one time and come out looking like Giselle Bundchen.
  10. I wonder if this is the time I’ll get skin cancer.
  11. If you put on sunscreen in the tanning bed, does it still work?
  12. Oh my god, if I get skin cancer I’ll be livid.
  13. I should seriously cancel my membership, like, today.
  14. But I reallyyyyyy don’t want to be pale.
  15. And this bed feels sooooo warm.
  16. I just hate tan lines.
  17. I can’t believe people wear swimsuits in tanning beds. Just go lay outside.
  18. Why am I sweating so much? It’s not normally this hot in here right?
  19. Is the machine supposed to be making that noise?
  20. What if I get trapped in here and fried alive?? I’ve seen Final Destination.
  21. Oh God, they’d find my body naked. Not the way I wanna go.
  22. I must be almost done by now.
  23. It’s only been five minutes? What the hell? I’m already sweating.
  24. Am I really the only one who gets pale blotches on her butt?
  25. Maybe I’ll put self-tanner there.
  26. No no, boys actually touch my butt. That could end badly.
  27. Problem solved, I’ll just turn over onto my stomach at the halfway point.
  28. Maybe this way I won’t get those tan lines under my butt where they roll into my thighs.
  29. I wish I had a thigh gap. I’m going to get one. I’m going to eat kale and chia seeds and all that shit, and I will have an Instagram model body, damn it!
  30. Oh wait, it’s penny pitchers tonight.
  31. Okay, next week I’ll go all granola.
  32. Has my double chin been happening this whole time??
  33. I remember that girl Anna who had tan lines from her double chins. I can’t be Anna.
  34. One minute left? I was just getting so warm and cozy!
  35. I feel like I have to get dressed again super quick or else they’re going to come in to clean it while I’m still here.
  36. I hope this Kardashian Glow shit was worth $45.
  37. Oh my God I burned my fucking nipples!
  38. I am super brown, though.
  39. Damn, I look good.


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