The first day you moved into your freshman dorm, you came face-to-face with the cock block of college, your resident assistant. If you were like most of us, you absolutely despised your R.A. The asshole either busted you for alcohol, weed, or having “unauthorized visitors,” and she would knock on your door to “talk,” turn you in for having candles in your room (seriously?), and make you attend floor meetings. She was also just way too fucking cheery for a year filled with confusion and the discovery of the hangover. I get it. I hated them, too. Yet, in an unexpected plot twist and my ashamed confession: I was one.

Before you mentally rip down every festive door tag I spent HOURS on or completely ignore me when I knock on your door as I try to do my job (P.S. I hate you) let me tell you, R.A.s are people, too. We’re people who have one-night stands, break all of the rules that we pretend to enforce, and hate the establishment just like you. In an effort to make us outsiders more understood, I gathered some confessions from your resident assistants to give you a look at what the person who is smiling and asking about your day with a plate of freshly baked cookies is really thinking behind closed, university-paid-housing doors.

1. Unless I wanted to hook up with you or you literally never bothered me, I hated you.
2. I don’t care how friendly I seemed. I hated you.
3. When I was supposed to be “going on a round” and watching over the community, I was actually in my duty partner’s room drinking wine and making out. #SafetyFirst
4. When I would ask you, “You think I WANT to get you in trouble?” you were right. The answer was always yes.
5. I didn’t know 99 percent of my residents’ names. So, like, hey…you.
6. Hooking up with residents is very off-limits, which is why I did it as much as possible.
7. I would give my residents a 30-minute notice before safety inspections so they could hide their alcohol and I could avoid more paper work.
8. I would take the stairs to avoid an awkward elevator ride with an even more awkward resident.
9. I would respond to incidents still drunk, not wearing shoes, and with wristbands covering my underage wrist.
10. Residents would hold the door open for me because my not quite 21-year-old hands were full of alcohol.
11. I would pray my residents wouldn’t see me walking around the community dressed like a Playboy bunny to go drink underage on a social. #RAHoesAndHousingBros
12. If you were quiet, you could get away with anything. Seriously.
13. I once had to check out a girl who had lived on my floor all year. I had to ask what her name was. Her mother was with her.
14. When I would see a potential problem as I was about to leave campus, no matter how serious it was, I would completely ignore it because I wasn’t on duty. So, you know, not my problem.
15. When I would see my residents at parties and socials, I’d make them take shots with me and pretend it didn’t happen the next day.
16. I always prayed my residents never saw me coming in at 9 a.m. in last night’s outfit with smudged makeup and “I obviously made bad decisions with a hot guy” hair.
17. I’d make my FWB carry books or a backpack when he’d enter or exit my room so my residents would at least THINK he had a motive for being in there, besides just, like, being in me.
18. On 4/20, I told my residents not to smoke in the building after another R.A. and I had just hit a bong in my room.
19. I used to use my “all access key” to walk into the football players’ rooms who lived on my floor to take shots with them at their parties that they shouldn’t have been throwing and that I should have busted up.
20. I was at a bar and saw one of my residents, so naturally, I made him take shots with me. Unfortunately, he left that night in an ambulance with alcohol poisoning.
21. I didn’t buy groceries the entire time I was an R.A.–I stole food from the “community event” closet. #HelpMeImPoor
22. I used to discourage my residents from becoming R.A.s unless I really didn’t like them.
23. I’d tell my residents that I’d rather them smoke than drink because then they’d get scared and hungry instead of loud and destructive.
24. Every time a resident would knock on my door, I pretended I wasn’t home.
25. Every. Single. Time.
26. I would tell my freshmen at the opening floor meeting that I knew what was in their red solo cups because I had the same thing in mine. The only difference was that I knew how to hold my liquor and they better learn fast.
27. For Christmas, we broke into our boss’s office and covered everything in wrapping paper. #MerryChristmas
28. I dirty rushed every girl on my floor and pushed every guy to join my favorite fraternity.
29. My resident messaged me on Facebook asking if, since he was officially moved out, we could finally have sex. I said yes.
30. I went out of town for a week and decided my motorcycle wasn’t safe in the parking lot, so in the middle of the night, I rode it into the elevator, up three floors, and parked it in my living room for a week. I broke about 10 housing rules.
31. And then I yelled at residents for leaving a bike in the hallway while I had an actual motorcycle in my room.
32. Any and all food I offered to residents was not because I’m nice. It was 100 percent a bribe.
33. When residents messed up, it was only extra paperwork for me. In my eyes, they were all perfect.
34. “Confiscating alcohol” gave me an awesome liquor selection.
35. I would walk by rooms and shout, “I just don’t know what that smell is or where it’s coming from!” I knew what it was. I knew where it was coming from. I was just hoping they didn’t open the door.
36. I went to the roof of my apartment with a resident who’s three years younger than I am and hooked up with him, just because.
37. My freshman residents would smoke me out once a week in return for me buying them alcohol. #Teamwork
38. I had sex in my boss’s office. On her desk. With my duty partner…while on duty.
39. The department was terrible and made us do extra work for free, but nothing felt better than knowing you were helping residents. I wouldn’t change a thing, because no matter how bad the administration made things, my residents always made up for it.
40. And hey, at least we got free housing.

Nice Move638

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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