Columns

42 Signs You’re In A Frat House

42 Signs You're In A Frat House

Sometimes, throughout your college career, you may find yourself in an unfamiliar setting. Generally in the morning. And I’m not saying you did do something regrettable with someone whose mom still buys all his underwear, and I’m not saying you blacked out mid-party and literally forgot where you were, but yes I am. That’s what I’m saying. Regardless, when you wake up groggy and confused, you may notice these few signs that tell you you’re not in the sorority house anymore, Toto.

  1. A poster of either Jessica Alba, Mila Kunis, or, my personal favorite, Emma Watson hanging over the mantel.
  2. And she’s not wearing many articles of clothing.
  3. Or any, for that matter.
  4. Street signs on the walls. Just in case you get lost. Or don’t realize that you should “STOP” and not enter this place where clashing colors go to die.
  5. Women’s undergarments, most likely hung up on a piece of string in the “living room” in place of Ikea decor.
  6. A cockroach in the bathroom under a cup.
  7. Roaches on the counter. The other kind of roaches. The fun kind.
  8. Christmas lights tackily hung up over the bar.
  9. A makeshift, don’t-lean-against-it-or-it-will-self-combust bar.
  10. Some sort of beer pong table in an inconvenient location.
  11. An ex-girlfriend who thinks these guys are still her friends.
  12. A new girlfriend who thinks these guys will be her friends.
  13. The girl you’re pretty sure your flavor of the week hooked up with. Naturally, you hate her (guilty until proven innocent, bitch).
  14. No toilet paper. Anywhere. Ever.
  15. Plenty of shitty beer that will make you have to pee every five minutes.
  16. Your dignity, as it slowly escapes your body as you drip-dry.
  17. Men casually playing frisbee or some other outdoor sport.
  18. Shirtless. God bless ‘em.
  19. An American flag over just about every bed.
  20. Because nothing gives frat guys boners like banging under an American flag.
  21. Unidentified hairs.
  22. Painted coolers that were neglected and destroyed after weeks of hard work.
  23. Mysterious, crusty stains on just about every couch.
  24. Composites with multiple dick drawings coming out of the most and least popular members’ mouths.
  25. Freshman boys who have lost all sense of worth. (Also known as pledges.)
  26. Banners covering every wall painted by try-hard sorority girls.
  27. Stale baked goods that should have been thrown out weeks ago, brought over with love and an alternate agenda by more try-hard sorority girls.
  28. A history of grime and lost memories covering the floors.
  29. A large, carb-filled, cheese-covered, “once you’re high you’re going to be so happy about this,” selection of food.
  30. Your ex-boyfriend.
  31. The skillet from the eggs that were made for breakfast on the stove.
  32. From last week.
  33. The old, token fat guy, who has a nickname involving the fact that he is the old, token fat guy.
  34. Unopened condoms placed in random locations that you don’t want to think about.
  35. Used condoms found in random locations that you REALLY don’t want to think about.
  36. Some sort of secret sex list. You can’t quite figure out the code, but you’re pretty sure your name is on it.
  37. A mural painted on the wall that would have been vastly improved if it had been sketched out ahead of time, or enhanced with paint pens and glitter.
  38. A box with porn from the ’80s hidden in the attic. And if you haven’t seen it, trust me, you don’t want to.
  39. Girlfriends regretting their life decisions as they make sandwiches for their boyfriends. And their littles. And their roommates.
  40. Tequila shots. At 10 a.m.
  41. A blow up sex doll dressed in a rival fraternity’s jersey, because maturity.
  42. And that one guy. The one with the irresistible smile and kisses that make your legs go weak (and then, you know, open). He’s the guy who makes all of the unsanitary conditions, possible STD contractions just by sitting at the table, and female competition worth it. For now, at least.

Email this to a friend

Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

4 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TSM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More