Masturbation is a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, it can be very awkward for the inexperienced. For some reason, we as a society do not openly talk about flicking the bean as much as we should. But the truth is, it’s just necessary to get through life. And admittedly, the worst part is buying the toys. But the best part? Using the toys, and that makes it all worthwhile.

1. Alright, is this the place?
2. Are they going to card me?
3. Do I still look twelve?
4. Shit. I knew I should have put on makeup.
5. Should I use my fake? So they don’t know my real name?
6. But what if I get my fake taken at a sex shop? That’s so embarrassing.
7. Alright, just act cool. It’ll be fine.
8. Act like you do this all the time.
9. Well, maybe not allllllll the time.
10. But enough so that I can look at a dildo without giggling.
11. *Starts giggling at dildos*
12. Shit. Shit. Shit. I don’t know what to pick.
13. Why are some of them so…bent?
14. Is that what an ideal penis looks like? Bent? I thought we didn’t want bent?
15. Maybe I shouldn’t have dumped my ex whose penis was shaped like a banana. Dammit.
16. Hmmm. Why are they all pink and purple?
17. *Imagines a hot pink penis*
18. I can’t tell if I like it or not.
19. So. Many. Veins. I wanted realistic, but not that realistic.
20. Oh, no. A sales associate is coming over.
21. She must know I’m new to this.
22. It’s fine. It’s fine. I don’t need help. Look educated.
23. Should I just run?
24. No. Just let her help you. It’s her job.
25. Don’t make a dick joke. Don’t make a dick joke. Don’t make a dick joke.
26. “Haha yeah, there’s just so many choices! It’s re-dick-ulous haha”
27. Oh, God.
28. That wasn’t even a GOOD dick joke.
29. She looks so annoyed.
30. Maybe I should just….apolo-jizz?
31. This. This is why I am shopping for a vibrator instead of snuggling up with a boyfriend.
32. Alright, this is serious. Time to get in and out.
33. Do I want a big one?
34. It can’t be too big.
35. In case I want a guy to use it on me. He can’t be smaller than the fake penis.
36. But I don’t want it to be too small.
37. WHY IS THAT ONE A FIST?!
38. AND BIGGER THAN MY ARM?!
39. Okay, just pick a normal sized one and get out.
40. “Yes, I would like to buy this vibrator, please.”
41. “Huh? Oh yeah, here’s my ID.”
42. Well. I guess I look twelve.
43. Should I go home and get off or just go kill myself?
44. Okay in the car. With my fake dick. Nailed it..

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Blue-eyed-blondie

Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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