Talk about your diet.
And insist that you can’t eat carbs, but always steal some (all) of his fries.
Keep up with the Kardashians like it’s your job.
And make him watch the episodes with you, so you guys can talk about it.
“What do you mean you like Kim more than Khloé?”
“Is it because you want to fuck Kim? Is that why? Huh? Is it?”
Selfies. Selfies. Selfies.
And upload all of the selfies to an album titled: “Bae: Together 4Ever.”
He didn’t text you back? Call him repeatedly until he answers and explains where he was in complete detail.
Post relevant articles such as “10 Reasons Why He’s The One” to his timeline.
“7 Signs You’re Ready To Get Married Even Though You’re 19 And Have Only Been Dating For Three Months.”
“Why Girls Who Wear Messy Buns To Bed Are Better Lovers Than His Slutty Ex-Girlfriend.”
And speaking of ex-girlfriends, go ahead and block her from all of his social media.
What? You’re already on his Facebook when he’s in the shower. Trust me, he’ll thank you for it.
Or just kill her.
When he asks to hang out with his friends, tell him that he doesn’t need friends.
He has you. Forever.
Make him hold your hand while you eat dinner.
He forgot that today was the six-month anniversary of the first time you had sex in his car? I guess you’ll just forget to take your birth control.
But really. An accidentally-on-purpose pregnancy will 100 percent make him love you. That’s just science.
Let him know, in detail, just how miserable your period makes you.
Remember: passive-aggression is the key to a happily ever after.
If you haven’t stalked his ex-girlfriend’s Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter all the way back to the beginning, you don’t even deserve a boyfriend.
Going shopping? Make him tag along and carry your bags.
Bonus points if you guilt him into buying you something.
Quiz him on your favorite things and get pissed off when doesn’t remember your favorite color to wear on Wednesdays (pink. Fucking duh).
Ask him if he would still like you, even if you didn’t have legs.
Or blonde hair.
Or a vagina.
Make him think that you’re going to have sex with him, and then just don’t.
Don’t even think about picking up the tab for drinks, dinner, or an event.
The next time he goes home to visit his family, invite yourself along.
And yes, you’ll introduce yourself as their “future daughter-in-law.” Obviously.
Text him as much as humanly possible throughout the day.
Especially when you know he’s busy with school, work, or other various commitments.
LOL if he thinks that you’ll be cool with his porn habit.
Send him engagement ring pictures instead of nudes.
No. He does not have female friends. And no, he never will. Ever again.
Buy yourself a lavaliere with his fraternity’s letters and tell everyone that he gave it to you.
Drunkenly cry about your ex-boyfriend to him.
And compare them every chance you get. Especially their penis sizes.
And if all else fails, just tell him that you don’t believe in blow jobs. Trust me, he’ll respect you for it.
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