1. Girls text him.
2. Like, an excessive number of girls, and an excessive number of text messages.
3. He’s more attracted to his own reflection than he is to you.
4. And he wears those dumb cutout tanks at the gym that 100 percent show his nips.
5. His “best friend” is a girl.
6. A hot girl.
7. A hot girl that he hooked up with before.
8. He still has a Tinder.
9. But like, “really. It’s just for fun.”
10. He wears sandals at inappropriate times to wear sandals.
11. Like, anytime when he isn’t by a body of water.
12. Or if he isn’t a retired 50-year-old living in Florida.
13. Because you know what they say, “loose footwear, loose penis” or something like that.
14. PDA is not his style.
15. He says “I love you” before he knows your middle name.
16. You’d have to have CIA level skills to break into his phone.
17. And even then he has passcodes on everything.
18. You didn’t even know you could put a separate passcode on text messages but lo and behold, you can.
19. FBO? Hell no.
20. His idea of a date is getting takeout.
21. He keeps his phone face down whenever he’s not holding it.
22. And he takes it in the bathroom with him every single time.
23. You’re not sitting on the toilet playing games every hour, sir.
24. His Netflix queue is flooded with girl shows.
25. Weirdly, you don’t think he’s sitting at home alone on a Friday night watching New Girl.
26. His pet name for you is something unoriginal, like “babe” or Stacey.
27. And no. Your real name actually isn’t Stacey.
28. He cheated on his ex.
29. I don’t care if he says he’s changed — you can’t always teach a cheating dog monogamy.
30. He either has a monster cock or a less-than-ideal sized one.
31. And yes. He is very, very aware of what he’s packing.
32. Which means he’s more insecure than you are after a bottle and a half of red wine.
33. Or he’s more in love with himself that he could ever be with you.
34. Your friends hate him.
35. And they can’t exactly say why, but something about him rubs them the wrong way.
36. He just got out of a serious AF relationship.
37. So his apartment is basically like a shrine to his ex.
38. You get that they were high school sweethearts, but are the 467,589,356 pictures on your bulletin board really necessary?
39. His longest relationship is the one with his right hand.
40. And after that it’s the girl he dated in 3rd grade for three weeks.
41. His name is Brandon.
42. Or Mike.
43. Or Jason.
44. He doesn’t invite you to important things.
45. Like formal, going out after initiation, or sleeping over after giving him a blow jay.
46. And he’s the definition of sketchy whenever you actually go anywhere together.
47. He’s a scared, little, baby back bitch.

Trust me — there are better dicks in the sea.

Image via Shutterstock

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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