Dear Facebook Friends,
Over the years, through one way or another, you and I struck a bond that falls somewhere between barely acknowledge each other’s existence and actually hanging out in person on a regular basis: that is, our Facebook friendship. I’ve seen you all become beautiful people, or at least learn how to properly master photoshop and convince me that you’re a size 2 with a D cup. Though tales of your various graduations, failed relationships, and new dogs have graced my timeline for quite some time now, I’m afraid some of you are really getting on my nerves. I’m talking about those of you who continuously violate the unspoken laws of social media: you bitches are getting cut, and I don’t feel bad about it. Allow me to explain who you are, and why I will be terminating our virtual connection.
1. Social Media Activist
It’s always nice to be passionate about something, and I applaud people who take time to contribute to organizations and causes that do good things for people in need. However, you are dumb as shit if you honestly believe that sharing a picture of a skinny village child with the caption “One like = one prayer” actually does anything even remotely productive. You might as well just ship an envelope of Monopoly money overseas, because that’s exactly how much good you’re doing. Social media activists are the most obnoxious people on Facebook in general, because they do absolutely zero work, but still expect the praise. And don’t give me this bullshit about “spreading awareness,” because the only thing you’re spreading is a constant need for attention, and the only people you are spreading it to are equally lazy douchebags who think that everyone will revere them as good people for sharing gofundme links to which they have no intention of donating.
2. Hometown Bum
I understand that college isn’t for everyone, but there comes a point in time when those who opted out of higher education need to hop off their asses and actually do something with their lives. This epiphany failed to reach your hometown’s most notorious bum, who spends his days working as a busboy at Red Lobster and his nights buying weed and Instagramming pictures of his flat bills. This on its own isn’t completely intolerable; you do you, you worthless case of diabetes waiting to happen. However, when you start flooding my newsfeed with barely legible posts about essentially nothing- the weather, how bored you are, uninformed political views- you make me want to reach through the screen and punch you right in the crotch. I’m sure it’s tough finding fun shit to do when you’re living in your parents’ basement and the only other people in town are teenagers, but that’s no one’s fault but your own. No one takes you seriously, no one wants to “hit you up,” and no one will think you’re worth jack shit until you use the correct form of their, there, and they’re.
3. Thinks Facebook Is A Diary
The internet is cool, and it’s definitely nice to be able to connect to people so easily, but that doesn’t mean we need to read multiple novels about how your last boyfriend was a jerk to you. That relationship lasted three weeks, and you need to get over it. I don’t know why bitterly single girls think that throwing themselves a pity party via a pouty Facebook status will do anything to help them find a lasting relationship. It might have something to do with the asswipes who comment on said statuses, with the overly enthusiastic “You deserve better!!!!!!!” or the bold faced lie, “You’re beautiful any guy would be lucky to have u!!!” I say we all band together and end this trend by commenting brutally honest things like, “He probably didn’t like the fact that you have three children with three different men,” or “Maybe you should stop hanging out with guys who think Applebee’s is an acceptable location for a first date.” Maybe then this bitch would stop reverting to Facebook and seek help from an actual psychologist.
4. Won’t Stop Sharing Weird Shit
I’ve worked a desk job, so I know exactly how much bizarre shit there is to dig up online. But this guy takes it a step further, and somehow winds up scouring the weirdest corners of the internet. I don’t know how he has the time, but the result is usually some weird animal video with Chinese subtitles or a crappy compilation of fat people falling. Every once in awhile he has a total gem, which makes you hesitant to unfollow him. But in the end, his fifth consecutive video of an edited Iggy Azalea vine will give him the boot. We get it. She sucks at rapping. Let me know when you learn that the share button serves a completely different purpose from the like button, and I’ll consider adding you to my forever dwindling friend list.
5. The Saleswoman
I have absolutely zero tolerance for people who fall into pyramid schemes, and then attempt to dig themselves out of a financial grand canyon by scamming their friends and family with bullshit products. No, girl I barely know and probably wouldn’t recognize in person, I don’t want to buy your miracle face cream. I’m sorry that you couldn’t manage to hold on to your last retail job, but your money problems do not concern everyone in your social media circle. And stop trying to convince me that your products work by posting before and after pictures of some person that clearly isn’t you or anyone you know. Your advertising skills are terrible, and if you had any sense you would weasel your way back into community college and at least attempt to pass a business class instead of roping your friends into the contractual hell that is a ponzi scheme. .