Entering into a new relationship is like sneaking into the VIP section of a club. You spend hours getting ready and transforming into the best (read: hottest) version of yourself and then you somehow manage to talk your way past the door guy and into a whole new world where you don’t have to pay for anything the rest of the night. Jokes on them, because without makeup and a push-up bra, you’re just a regular girl with hormonal acne and mediocre B-cups!
In the beginning stages of a relationship, you show a guy the best (read: hottest) version of yourself: cute, fun, and totally okay with the fact that he still has his ex on Snapchat (“I’m not one of those girls who gets jealous over stuff like that, ha (date me) ha!”). And then he does the impossible: he commits. You stop putting on makeup before he comes over and shaving your legs every single day and he just has to accept that. He’ll come over one day while his friends are all out at the bars trying to pick up chicks to see your feet up, spot acne treatment on, six inches deep in a bowl of chips watching “Real Housewives” you’re all like, Too late to back out now, sucker, you already like me who for I am, muahaha!
As amazing as it being able to be your true, disgusting self, there are a few not-so-pleasant things that happen when you go from “me” to “we.”
1. You become one of ‘them’.
There’s an obvious divide between the have and the have-nots, AKA the people in a relationship and the people that aren’t. It’s a rift similar to the one between blondes and brunettes — every blonde hates/envies brunettes, and vice versa. You’re still friends, of course, and you would never banish blondes/brunettes from your inner circle, but there’s a certain jealousy that comes with having friends of the opposite hair color.
The same is true for relationships. When you become “official,” everything changes. Instead of seeing those cutesy couple pictures and nearly gagging, you pencil in tentative plans to take your boyfriend to the very same hiking spot and take an even cuter pic. You become one of those annoyingly happy people who you used to completely loathe. You have someone to take to all your formals, to drag to the pumpkin patch in the fall and a patch of wildflowers in the spring, and to bring home during the holidays. You become a Relationship Person, which is what nearly every Single Person aspires to be and you fucking love it. You go on date nights when your single friends are sitting home alone watching Netflix and you brag when your boyfriend gets you exactly what you wanted for your birthday. You’re so happy and in love and exactly who your former single self used to hate/envy.
2. You put on relationship weight.
This is what no one tells you when you get into a relationship: you’re going to gain weight. Say goodbye to that hot little body you used to have because now you can basically eat whatever you want and your boyfriend is still going to love you. Don’t go crazy and turn into an episode of “My 600-Pound Life,” but go ahead and have dessert after dinner. Go through a drive-thru and get a burger and fries instead of a salad. Skip cardio for a week because no matter what you look like, a guy still wants to fuck you tonight. So now you’re just fat, happy, and well-fucked. I told you relationships aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.
3. You don’t get to choose who you fall in love with.
It would be nice if guys who looked like Chris Hemsworth and Zac Efron also loved hairy trolls who have horrible morning breath and go way too long between hair washes, but alas, they’re more interested in dating models and actresses. Crazy, right? As much as you would prefer to date (fall in love with) one of Hollywood’s hottest eligible bachelor’s, you don’t get to pick who you fall in love with. Literally you do, but you might go a few pity dates with a guy who’s less attractive than you would really prefer but then end up falling for his kind heart. You’re suddenly able to look past his flaws and his not-Channing-Tatum-ness because you see who is truly is on the inside, and by then you’re able to see that that person is better than every hot guy in Hollywood put together.
Or what if he’s perfect? Charming, sexy, remembers to put the toilet seat down every time he goes to the bathroom. You’re just supposed to let him out of your sight and into the real world? There are other women out there! Hot, blonde, leggy women who don’t have stubble on their legs and aren’t grumpy in the mornings and always remember to take their makeup off at night so they don’t wake up looking like an extra from The Walking Dead. They’ll want him!
And at the end of the day, he’ll have all these options, all these hot girls with asses you could bounce a quarter off of and double D’s, and he’ll still want you. Because you have something they don’t: his heart.
4. Sex will get boring.
It happens around the third month. Sex at the beginning of a relationship is fresh and fun, discovering each other’s likes and dislikes and learning each other’s bodies. After a while, it starts to get stale. You start to have a routine: first, you start out in missionary with him on top, then you switch to you on top, and then he finishes in doggy. You could fuck him in your sleep, that’s how routine your sex life is.
That’s when you know you need to switch things up. You’ll have to find new and exciting ways to blow his mind. You’ll have to get out of your comfort zone, try some new things, and maybe he’ll help you discover things that you didn’t even know you could like. You’ll giggle when you try something that neither of you found sexually satisfying and you’ll moan in pleasure when you find something that is. You’ll have to learn to be creative which will lead to more exciting and fun times in your relationships. It’s like an X-rated homework assignment.
5. You’re not single anymore.
Remember single life? The flirting, the mixed messages, the walks of shame, the drunk texts and calls to guys who couldn’t care less about you? That’s all over now. You have someone who will always answer your texts and calls, always drives (or walks) you back to your place, and someone who actually cares. No more drama, no more spending hours in front on the mirror just in case you run into that guy you might or might not be seeing. You don’t have to wait at a bar for a guy to offer to buy you a drink, your boyfriend gets you whatever you want and puts it on his tab. Once you’re in a relationship, the games are over. You’ve already won.
See, being in a relationship isn’t all sunshine and roses. .