Last Sunday night, everyone was flipping out because Nik Wallenda set a world record by walking on a tightrope across the Grand Canyon. Not only was this supremely idiotic and borderline suicidal, but it was fucking boring. Oh, sweet he’s walking slowly. I could have been impressed with his little stroll across Angelina Jolie’s mouth, but I realized that walking across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope is far from the most terrifying walk you’ll ever make in life. I can think of five walks that are far scarier than taking a leisurely promenade on national TV.
1. Your First Walk of Shame
First of all, it’s terrifying because you’re dealing with the obvious resulting guilt. Nobody is proud of themselves when they black out and bang some rando, and it only makes matters worse when you can’t deny that your regrettable one-night stand occurred. You know everyone is looking at you, and your disheveled hair, and your shacker tee over your tiny party dress from the night before. You can practically feel the judgement in their eyes as you head back to your dorm. The first time is especially awkward, because you actually still kind of care what people think. You never know what to say to your roommate when you roll into the room the morning after your late night sex romp besides, “So….” You look like hell, and you feel like you should probably just change your name to “Hester Prynne” on Facebook, because everybody knows you’re a whore. There’s no denying your first walk of shame is more terrifying than walking across the Grand Canyon, because after you finish walking across a few cliffs, people think you’re some sort of hero. Once you saunter back to your dorm in four-inch heels with your hair all over the place and last night’s eyeliner halfway down your cheeks, people assume you’re some type of harlot. It’s both unfair and terrifying.
2. The Walk to the Bar to Get Your Tab
I will always maintain “Last call” are the two rudest words in the entire English language, and I think the only thing worse than hearing them is finally having to check out the damage you did. Luckily, college is a magical place where drink specials exist, so you’re never actually charging that much to your parent’s credit card (you know, the one that was for emergencies only), but it’s always a nerve-racking situation when you realize you have to see evidence of your alcoholism on an itemized list. It’s all fun and games when you’re buying round after round, but when you finally realize you have to assess the damage, it sucks.
3. The Walk Into an Exam You Haven’t Studied For
Not only is this an exam you haven’t studied for, but it’s in a class you probably attended four times all semester. You thought you were all set stealing/borrowing someone’s notes and studying the online power points, but when exam day rolls around, nothing compares to the panic attack brought on by the excess amounts of caffeine you consumed during your all-night attempt at studying (which was really an all-night Facebook stalking session) coupled with the realization that you are royally fucked. Okay, so what if you fail this class? You can probably convince some poor fool to marry you, right? No, probably not, because that doesn’t work for anyone and only boring girls get married straight out of college these days anyway.
4. The Walk Into Your Ex’s Frat
Everyone wants to win the breakup, and nothing is scarier than coming back after summer break and realizing you’ll probably wind up at your dickhead ex-boyfriend’s frat house on multiple occasions. You’ll probably be terrified of running into him (but secretly you’ll be looking forward to it because your new haircut looks great), and even more terrified of the scenarios that could transpire. You could either a) be a complete idiot, get drunk, hook up with him, and cry mid-hookup about how much you love him and miss him, or b) get drunk, see him talking to some new skank and get completely wasted. Alcohol elicits plenty of latent demons after a breakup, and it’s terrifying not knowing which side of your heartbroken, bitter self might come out. Fucking. Terrifying.
5. The Walk Across the Graduation Stage
Life as you know it is now over. Regardless of what anyone tries to tell you, walking across the stage at your college graduation is terrifying and depressing. Not only are you leaving the best years of your life behind you, you’re also walking into this unsettling, horrifying world of pseudo adulthood (which you can read all about at PostGradProblems.com) where you’ll be expected to “be an adult,” and “be responsible,” and “get a job,” and “take care of your own finances.” It’s fucking cruel. Throwing your cap in the air is like the first scene of a SCREAM movie. It all looks so blissful and picturesque at first, but you know that a tragic, gruesome death is inevitable a few months later, and the girl with the good hair usually goes first. Fucking. Scary.
So whatever, Nik. I see your little stroll and raise you all of the other scary walks most of us take. I think I could have been impressed with this entire “Skywalker” scenario if he had done it in a pair of fuck me pumps.