Remember that time when you got wine drunk, stalked your ex on every form of social media, and then proceeded to block him, his entire family, all of his friends, and his freshman year roommate? Well, Calvin Harris just appeared to reach that level of bitch crazy. By taking a quick look at his social media, you can see that America’s favorite mediocre DJ went on a strict cleanse. He has unfollowed Taylor herself, unfollowed her fans, and even deleted photos of themselves — a true tragedy, considering the number of likes that they have garnered.
Taylor, for once in her life, actually looks like the sane member of the breakup: while she has deleted photos, she has yet to unfollow Harris. But, I predict that this social media cleanse is just the beginning of a larger crisis for Harris and Swift. Having witnessed many breakups, most of which involved at least one insane person, I have compiled a list of telltale signs that you have lost your shit post-breakup.
You Steal His Cat or Dog
Remember that regrettably awful song about the girlfriend taking the cat but leaving his sweater? I can guarantee you that any guy would rather have you steal his entire wardrobe than have you take his frat hound. Also, how are you going to explain the new pet to your next significant other?
You Drastically Change Your Diet
Everyone experiences a post-breakup binge on a bottle of wine (read: vodka), tub of ice cream, or basket of breadsticks. But if you continue this habit, you may be at risk of losing your shit. On the contrary, if you launch into a sudden episode of intense veganism, you should also reevaluate your life. Because no, he won’t take you back even if you lose fifty pounds and turn into Kim Kardashian herself.
You Vandalize His House
Unless you are in 7th grade, this is totally unacceptable. And if you are in 7th grade, please get off this site and go climb a tree. In your ex’s yard. And bring toilet paper. But note: no matter the age, his car is always fair game as long as you’re willing to pay the consequence. Literally.
You Burn All Of His Things
Toothbrush? Gone. Sweater? Buh-bye. Photographs? Like they never existed. You could make like a normal person and simply return his stuff to him, or even just throw it away if you can’t stand the thought of him. But going through the effort of starting an actual fire? Put your (ex’s) sweater on, because your crazy is showing.
You Unfollow His Entire Fraternity And Defriend His Family
Be on the watch for Taylor or Calvin displaying any of these symptoms of breakup madness. Actually, on second thought, maybe just let Taylor retreat into a cocoon of sadness. That shit will make for some great music..
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