When ranking the seasons, summer falls dead last on my list of favorites. Sure, sure. There’s no school (unless you royally effed up and have to take College Algebra again), and yeah, you get time to travel to your wanderlust heart’s content. But while fall involves pumpkin spice and sweaters and winter involves Christmas cookies and jackets, summer is when you finally bare it all. And all of those gourd-flavored coffees and tree shaped goodies are about to be seen again. You know, on your thighs.
But! Alas, there’s a way to fool everyone into thinking that you’re the babe you wish you were. And sure, everyone is beautiful and blah blah blah. But we’re you’re staring at your bikini thinking, “nah,” you wish you had something, anything, to help you trick people into thinking you’re a Baywatch babe. And as the queen of never wanting to go to pool parties, I’ve got your back.
Get A One Piece Bathing Suit
Luckily for us, one piece suits are all the rage right now. And if you’re not sporting one of those bad boys, you’re 100 percent sporting a high waisted number. The only problem? These suits still show way too much skin if you have areas you’d like to cover. And by “areas” I mean your entire body. Sure, your stomach isn’t out there, flapping in the wind, but you can still see the pouch through the black, nylon suit that says “Rad.” And sure, the high waisted, diaper-looking bottoms sort of cover your hips, but what about those other parts you’d like to hide? You know. Like the whole rest of your body. Luckily, since vintage is in, I’ve found the perfect solution: this old timey swim costume. Sure, it’s a little more retro than what all of the basics are sporting, but you like to be individual, right? Besides I have a feeling a chastity belt in thrown in there, free of charge.
Hire A Profesh Photographer
As we all know, the whole point of doing anything over the summer — whether it’s hanging out at the pool, traveling the world, or hitting up a farmers market — is for the Instagram post. But instead of having your dumb little sister or drunk best friend take a sloppy picture on your iPhone, consider hiring a professional, full-time photographer. Sure, it will pretty much cost your tuition, but what’s the point of even having social media if you’re not a model? Think of the detox teas and teeth whitening products you could promote after posting a few bomb pictures of your summer adventures? Besides, with high-tech editing, great lighting, and hella Photoshop, people won’t be able to tell that you’re actually a walrus who eats her body weight in pizza rolls.
Avoid Areas With Harsh Lighting
While you’re out, having a blast, remember: more lighting means more opportunities for people to see how much of a piece of trash you really are. I know it’s hard when people are inviting you to activities involving lots of lighting, but don’t fall into that trap. Find activities where the lighting is limited, if not completely gone. Consider going to the movies, hitting up those “no senses” restaurants where they blindfold you, or spelunking. Just remember, like hiding your face behind sunglasses, the less people can see of you, the more attractive you seem.
Hangout With People Who Are Uglier Than You
The first rule of happiness is to surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you. When you want to look hot, this is no exception. Whether you get a group of ugly friends or start dating an ugly guy, being around less attractive people will instantly make you look better. If you’re a 7, pull a couple of 3s into your group, and watch as people flock to you. I’m not saying it’s moral, and I’m not saying it’s kind. But what I am saying is that it will work.
Don’t Actually See Anyone
The best way to actually make people think you’re hot is to just not let them see you. Post #tbts every day of the week. Let people think that that skinny, 18-year-old version of yourself littering your Instagram is what you really look like now. Cancel plans and Snapchat nothing but selfies (with the puppy filter, obvi). If they can’t see you, that have to assume you’re hot, right?
See! Making people think you’re hot is not only easy, but it’s also totally sane. This way, by giving up delicious food, social events, pool parties, beach days, chilling with friends, going on adventures, and being in public, you can trick people into thinking you’re a babe! Or I guess you could just say “fuck it,” and live your life. Either way..
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